Blog entry for:

i may shut out friends and family members when they do not meet my expectations. that is exactly the problem. i get the idea that expectations are premeditated resentments. as the theme lately seems to be self-acceptance, i wonder how many of my unspoken expectations i am not living up to and most importantly how is that affecting my relationships with the world in general. the tricky part of this kind of inventory, looking for the hidden meanings in all i do and say, and trying to find what it is exactly that i feel, is that i get trapped into feedback loops, not that much different than in active addiction. i use -> i feel awful -> i use to feel better, rinse and repeat. i find something about myself that is unsatisfactory -> i see i cannot possibly live up to that impossibly high standard -> i feel bad about myself -> i act out, rinse and repeat!
honestly, it is not a cop-out to say i am only human and prone to being less than perfect. no the cop-out comes when i say that and do not even try to live a better way of life. sure shooting for the moon, may mean that i fail to reach it more times than not, but each time i try, i get the reward of doing my best. the rub comes when i interpret the results through the internal judge, jury and executioner. if i really expected to reach the moon, and usually when i am off my rocker, i look at my lack of success as a reflection of what a “good” or “bad” person i am. the fact is, i am just another human, who happens to be an addict, that is doing his level best to be the type of person he has always wanted to be, one day at a time. anything more, well here comes those unwanted and unmeetable expectations for myself and the trail of tears that walking there brings.
today i want to live in reality. today i want to take pride in my assets and allow my defects to be removed. today i want to walk through this day, without stumbling over things i tell myself i ought not attempt. today, when all is said and done, i want to objectively look at my day and see myself for what i truly am, a person that is both good and bad, but neither an angel nor a demon. today? well today i will do my best to detect when i am judging others,m because i am not living up to impossible standards and carrying out the appropriate sentence, as dictated by the unmerciful trio within my head. t=yes, today i will have some compassion for myself and as a result for those whom i happen to encounter throughout my day. so i owe, i owe, it is off to work i go!

∞ DT ∞