Blog entry for:

of what i think of and how i treat myself, is certainly an apt topic for this morning. as i went over my day, last night, i came to the realization that i want my Mom to be healthy and to take responsibility for getting better. i base that “expectation” on the physical program that i have slavishly adhering to for the past year. after all, if i could get my lazy ass off the chair and into the streets, day after day, why will she not do the same. the realization was that i made a choice and so has she. although i may not approve of her choice, that is totally up to her and not to me. i do not expect her to run a 10K in under an hour, but 100 steps every hour would be a huge start. pushing her, punishing her and chiding her, is useless and truly a waste of my energy. the conclusion i finally arrived at, was that a healthy choice for myself anyhow, is just to leave it be and accept the consequences of her decisions, no matter how “wrong” i may feel they are.
as i wind down my time at my current employer, i get the sense that i am not choosing my daily activities very carefully and i need to get rolling on sharpening my dev skills, instead of reading esoteric treatises on the development framework that my new job embraces. that was a good read for two days ago, but what am i doing today to enhance my value at my new company. i certainly know what needs to be done and trolling through FaceBook and Twitter for hours on end, does little to help my cause, except to provide me more ammunition to feed the lie that i am a lazy slob. if i want to be ab;e to accept my Mom and her decision as just that, i also have to accept that i may make a poor time management decision, but it is not “evidence” of anything but being human. the only problem with that, is it feels like a cop-out, a loophole to justify all sorts of poor decisions and feel “okay” doing so. being human and living life in a responsible manner, does feel like a very thin line, that is hard to see, until i am far into enemy territory. what i am walking away with today, is to apply myself to small attainable goals today and celebrate what i accomplish, inventory what i did not and remove as much of the judgement about myself from that equation. perhaps that will allow me to allow others to live life as they choose to, without having to “feel≵ good or bad about it. certainly a great way to wrap this up and get my miles in for this day.

∞ DT ∞