Blog entry for:

need to be forgiven, i tend to be more forgiving.
TAKE TWO!
well i guess i can read the handwriting on the wall and move forward, perhaps my first attempt at being facetious and humorous, was less than acceptable and my browser crashing is some sort of sign from the powers that be to start anew with a fresh look.
so here is the gig. my friend who is locked up and with whom i have been corresponding, lacks insight into what he has done to me across the course of time. every time, i say this event or that behavior was disrespectful or just plain abusive, he has an excuse, a spin, a justification and a rationalization. that is standard operating procedure for moist of the human race, so no surprise there, the sad and disappointing part, is that he actually believe the his own lies and stories and is confused when i call him on that crap. as this is sup[posed to be about me, and not the rest of the world, where i am leading in this rather long prelude to the ecstasy of potential self-abuse, is that even though i forgive him of all his transgressions, and realize i have more than enough crap on my side of the relationship to be forgiven for, i have trouble forgetting and alter my behavior to prevent getting stomped on again. yesterday, i answered his challenge to write a longer letter and in it i flat out said the truth: “i do not let him into my life because i do not want to get hurt.”
i can forgive someone, i can even let bygones be bygones, up to a point, BUT, when push comes to shove, i protect myself from those i deem as untrustworthy, and keep them only as close as necessary. the question then is, how would i feel if those i love, respect and care for, treated me in a similar manner?
i would love to say, i would understand and be okay with that, after all, they have more than ample reasons, because i did this or that and do not even have the: “i was really high at the time” card to play. the fact is, i would be butt-hurt, pissed off and resentful. i would need more hours than sponsor has to give me, to sort out my part in it and i would probably say those friggin' bums, who needs them anyhow. so i get where he is coming from, to be treated with cool distance because of my past behaviors would suck, and yet, i do not think that is a trait of just the addict within, i think that is moire than likely part of the animal brain inside each and every human being. proving myself to be worth the trust of others would be a tough assignment for me, and that walk of shame towards the light, would be one of the hardest things i ever did.
what i am about today, is being a better human, which means that i not only forgive, i apply the principles of the program to my daily life. even idf i have been disrespected in the past, i want to allow others the opportunity to respect me in the here and now, and if i keep my distance they do not have the chance to do so. in my conversation with the sponse the other night, i mentioned that i was so fixated on seeing the worst in others, because that is what i hate within myself. he suggested that perhaps i was forgetting the converse side of that notion, namely those i find i want near me, reflect back those good attributes that i want others to see in me as well. one of those attributes is honesty. my friend unfortunately got a big dose of that yesterday, as i responded to his inquiries about why things were the way they were between us, especially since i keep saying i forgive him. is it really a kindness to tell someone that you do not trust them, so expect a bit of distance?

∞ DT ∞