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at times, disappoint myself and others.
there are a couple of directions that i can take this. there is the old reliable i am only human with a strong dose of and i am also an addict sprinkled in, to have my missteps dismissed by myself and those around me. the reading could be used to rationalize bad behavior by darting down this dark and dreary path and absolving me of any responsibility for any of the things i do. using the program of recovery to justify sociopathic behavior, IF i was a true sociopath, i would not need to rationalize my behavior. anyhow, i have been here and done this, and in early recovery it was quite a feat of prowess for me, HOWEVER, today i have some recovery and can mno longer excuse doing that particular gig. i DO take responsibility for my bad behavior, as i know better. that doe not mean i DO NOT behave badly, i do from time to time i am after all only…!
after dismissing the obvious and duplicitous option, the other thought i have goes to the whole world of people as as mirrors concept. what i dislike in others is what i most dislike in myself. that which i can tolerate in the world around me, is what i cannot tolerate within myself. i came to recovery with a skewed world view. included into that view was a distorted self-image, one that makes the fun house mirrors look seemingly normal. i was complete and without any apparent need to change, take me as i am, i seemed to scream to the world, daring them to reject me, all the time hoping that they would not. needless to say, i was living in a pretty limited world with very few social connections left, by the time i marched into the rooms. when i heard that i COULD participate in a fellowship of equals, i was to say the least more than a bit skeptical, although i would love to say that i was totally wrong, there are here just as many human beings as there is in the other 85% who have the need to gossip and secure social standing. yes, this is not a gallery of saints, it is however a gallery of human behavior, mine included, and of striving towards being something more than when i walked in. clean time is a trap, i have come to find, it can and does separate me from others, especially as i walk through my teen years. the pedestal is a dangerous place to be, and i am grateful, that i am no longer content being put upon one, and do my best to keep myself off of it. the reading goes straight to the heart of what i have been feeling lately, that social status based on clean time is the means i separate myself from the pack and therefore create the situation that may lead to my demise. some days it sucks to be among the members in a meeting with the most clean time, or even worse to be the ONE with the most. when this happens time and time again, my ego runs with it, and all of a sudden i find that i am feeling justified in making pronouncements form on high, after all, i do have the most …
BULLSH!T!
as you can tell, i get a bit passionate about this sort of behavior and as i write this, it is not any wonder why i rebel against the so-called recovery authorities, who let us know in word and deed how much more recovered they happen to be because they have so many decades clean. growing up in a developing fellowship, and yes i know what you are thinking, how can any fellowship in the Front Range of Colorado be developing, well when i got to the doors the was almost one meeting a week in a town of over 70,000 people. anyhow, all digressions aside, growing up with my fellowship, i can and often do, take on the authority role, and find myself saying things like i remember when we only had…
there i go again, placing myself up on the pedestal, when it is more than true that me and another member started meeting because we did not want to drive to Boulder and we resented being looked down upon because we came form outside of Boulder. yes, they are resentment meetings, BUT the fellowship has grown and i GET to step away and allow them to change as they need to, as i discovered three or four years ago. so when i see others acting in a similar manner i know my ego, is what needs to be checked. that does not excuse their behavior, BUT it certainly gives me a moment to check my own.
one more topic before i go. i am feeling mixed about meeting with a head-hunter this morning. there is part of me, that sees this as a failure. i have a few hours to decide whether or not i want to continue down this path. it would be nice to have a steady paycheck and all then attendant security that comes along with it. the ;last time i had an interview with a possible steady gig, i sabotaged it, consciously or unconsciously because my heart was not in leaving the self-employment gig behind. so this morning as i prepare for my day, i have to get what i want and what in need clear in my head. that stuff is still to be worked out, and i have some time to do so left this morning, i do know i am tired of not knowing and although i have FAITH that i will get what i need, perhaps this is what i NEED and this opportunity is in answer to my prayer to find the means to work myself out of the hole i have worked myself into. it is A GOOD day to be in recovery and yes, i will have FAITH that this may be the door that i painted on the wall behind me.

∞ DT ∞