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my best and sometimes falling short, is a good theme for me today. not that i should give up trying to do my best, BUT when i fall short of the impossible standard i may have set for myself, i will accept, with a bit of grace, that i am human after all. when i get into that mindset for myself. it becomes much easier to let go of my expectations for those with whom i share my life. as much as i want to achieve a high standard of living a program of active recovery, more often than not, that are more than a few things that i “wished” i had done better when i sit down and take a look at my day.
as i listened to the quiet this morning, what kept bubbling up to the surface is this whole notion of mine of preparing to speak at a campout, several weeks away. i keep coming back of how to explain where i am today, without going into what drove me into the shadows originally. i have only told those closest to me and those u=in my home group, the nature of that event and how i carried it forward for decades on end. the message i want to convey is that sometimes it takes decades to get to the bottom of stuff one thinks they have resolved, years ago. my expectation was that i peeked at this on my first set of steps and had decided it was a settled matter that never needed to be revealed to anyone, even my sponse. that secret kept me sick as i nibbled away at the edges of who i had become and who i really was and finally i saw that i needed to release this demon into my world, for better or for worse.
i can say today, that demon instantly vanished in the air, upon being revealed to my sponse and the residual feelings i still feel, are passing with each and every day. today, i can be whole and genuine, even when i do not want to be, as for me anyhow, that is the way. i will no longer carry what was around like some sort of red badge of courage, as i see it now as a badge of cowardice and the cudgel to keep myself from being all that i can be. life is too short to worry about what others may say. when the day comes that i share my Experience, Strength and Hope, who knows what gems or bile will erupt form me, after all, i am only human and subject to the full range of human emotions, just for today.

∞ DT ∞