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at times, disappoint myself and others. the trick therefore, is how do i move forward without wallowing in a cesspool of self-recrimination, rationalization and self-flagellation?
i set a pretty high bar for myself, not so much in my professional life, but certainly in my recovery, family and social life. ironical as that may seem, life in my life outside of the office is far more important to me, than life within. after working an insane number of hours yesterday, today i am chilling and wondering what to do about all sorts of things that are not withing my power today. most importantly what to do about my work situation and how to move forward. well most importantly to me, right here and right now. it really is a foolish thing to concern myself with, as i have nothing on the horizon and is certainly a distraction for what is really on my mind, the refinance of our home and the work we want to do with the money we pull out. that too, is something to deal with on another day, so it brings me back to the topic at hand, dealing with my most human behaviors.
i got to share a bit of my story the other night, and the one thing i heard more than once as several of the members in attendance blew a bit of smoke up my a$$, was that they did not think that i “liked” them, when they first started coming around. this is not a startling revelation, as i put a bit of distance between myself and the FNGs. i can be icy and aloof when meeting new people, and i do not flock around them, as some of my peers tend to do. i sit back and allow myself to warm to them. the “ice man” persona i use, to keep new people at a distance, paid very nice dividends, when i was using and when i was leading a secret double life, in the early days of my recovery. even though i have a few days clean, i still fall back into that pattern of behavior, mostly so i do not form unrealistic expectations of those who are just starting out. in my experience, many come to recovery and stay for a while. very few stick out for the long run, and maintaining a bit of distance, reduces the pain i feel, when they decide to take a different route in their lives. i know that this is probably not the most spiritual path to take, and as the reading suggest, i see them as flakes, because i view myself as flaky and lacking the commitment to make this way of life, a long term force to be reckoned with, even after the evidence suggests that i am no longer capable and willing to do this for the long term. if i was not, i would have stopped making the decision to live a program of recovery, a long, long, time ago. so the lie i tell myself is reflected upon my peers, and as a result i can be seen as cold, aloof and not very likeable. the wheel turns and my world is a bit less full, and i never know if maybe i was the one that would say the magic incantation that allows someone to get another day clean.
i am struggling with how much effort i put into carrying the message to those who lack any sort of freedom of movement. there is certainly a tale of two cities going on in that situation and i am about to abandon reign of indifference i have uncovered, and leave him to his own devices. time will tell and i could certainly be quite wrong about what i am thinking, once again reflecting my own shortcomings on the behavior of another. ah, i could sit here all day and find examples of my defects of character and shortcomings as and see how those parts of me are reflected in how i interact with those around me. or i could simply move on, with a bit more awareness that as a human being, i will stumble and fall, and do say on a daily basis. it is up to me, to use that as a learning experience or an opportunity to feel a little bit more “less than” my peers and the world around me. quite a decision to make and one that i will consider carefully, as i am quite sure this is a situation the Liar's paradox, and it is me who stands in the way of discovering the truth.

∞ DT ∞