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i come to demand it from others around me, as well. DAMN RIGHT, well sort of. today, what i heard when i could finally stop thinking about work and my career, was that perhaps, i was being too rough on my friends and peers, expecting far more than they are able to give. that does not mean i wonder if one of them is sliming along the bottom, trolling for an easy mark. nor does it mean that the cliché-buckets are any less than that either. what it does me is that it is my expectations of myself, that is coloring my impressions of them, hence forcing me to be tolerant of their distasteful behaviors. yes, in this case tolerance may be what one might consider a “negative” spiritual principle. for me however it never is. what i get when i have to reach to be tolerant is a glimpse into what is happening inside of me. i know i have a bit of an issue with authorities, especially those who set themselves up to be one and proceed to tell me what to do. i also take issue, with those who waste my time, by prattling on and on about absolutely nothing. so when the two of those collide, well i am put into a state that requires tolerance from me. my reaction has been to shut down, not share at meetings and sit quietly with my eyes closed so i do not crack-up laughing at how ludicrous i think they are being. yes, tolerance fills me with enough respect, not to laugh out loud and more importantly not chime in, immediately afterwards to let them know what a tool i really think they are, and they would be better served to sit down, shut-up and listen.
the end result is a growing pressure inside of me to lash out and a growing feeling of restraint, as i really do not want to sh!t in my bed, here. what is there to do? well first off, i made a an appointment to see the sponse. secondly, let off a bit of the pressure by sharing at the next meeting i attend, focusing on my experience, strength and hope rather than the trite and empty sh!t i may hear. and finally, continue to monitor my fed-uppedness level with my daily inventory, seeing what it is that is really going on inside of me, ignoring all the distractions that are creating the dissonance within, after all, the answer is always what is happening inside of me, and very rarely what is happening without.

∞ DT ∞