Blog entry for:

-- all i have got to change is everything! after all, i did not show up at my first meeting because my life was in great shape. well in my opinion, at that that time i did not believe that it it was in that bad of shape either, i just had one teensy-weensy problem to get rid of, and then my life would have, once again, been grand. the problem was the 20th judicial district and my inability to abide by the terms of the contract i had signed. it was not that the contract was so heinous, nor was it like someone was constantly on my back, it was in those days my inability to comply -- namely to stop getting caught on random drug tests. my using was not the problem, it was my inability to cover it up that was, so i came to the fellowship with the hope that others were here that were like me, and could provide me the clues i needed to solve my little problem, getting hot UAs.
well, those members that were in the rooms back in those days, did exactly that, although there suggestions did not seem to go to the problem -- they suggested; "just for today, that i do not use, no matter what."
well, they were correct, although it was not the solution i desired, and did not believe i required, but after i got a taste of the possible escalating consequences of my failure to comply, i decided to give it whirl for a few months, until things cooled down and my probation officer moved on to her next project. the irony of where that decision took, still cause me to smile and laugh out loud. had i known then, what i know now, i would have been far less hesitant to jump into this lifestyle.
so what does any of this have to do with the headline i chose? you know, the changing everything gig. from that day forward, nothing has remained the same, and the change manifest in my life, and myself is, at times, quite overwhelming. everything has changed, especially how i view myself. i no longer have a legal problem, and quite honestly i did not have one way back when,. my brush with the law, provided me the means to own up to who and what i am, and with that acknowledgment, paved the road into the life i have now. i am an addict, and my legal problem was a result of the most obvious symptom of my condition -- my uncontrolled drug use.
i am grateful this morning, that the desire to use is gone and has been replaced by the desire to stay clean, and as i approach the twelfth anniversary of that final night of using i am feel like the man who had to use is no longer here. he has been replaced by the man he was always meant to be, and is still becoming. i may be a felon, but i was never a very good criminal. today, i am mostly an addict who is in recovery, learning how to do this life gig the best he can, and taking what comes the best i can. so on that note it is time to sign-off and go hit the streets to burn off a few calories and a bit of nervous energy. it is an excellent day to allow myself to change intro who i am going to be.

∞ DT ∞