๐ a pretty tall order ๐
Posted: Sun, Aug 19, 2018 11:06:13 AM
if anyone had predicted twenty-one years ago that i would still be clean and working a twelve step recovery program, i would have laughed them right out of the room. it was never my plan to be sitting here clean and enjoying life as a recovering addict. the fact that twenty-one years ago i was not clean and fronting as a “gung-ho, pink-cloud, recovery guru addict-alcoholic” was telling in and of itself. little did i realize that my hubris, arrogance and self-absorption was about to trip me up and send my life in a direction i never dreamed of going, in fact one that i actively resisted going down. ironically, i am quite content with where i ended up today, even though across the course of this journey i had to change “everything.” DO NOT misunderstand, my clean date anniversary is still 23 days away. i could make some theories as to why i decided to trip down this memory lane, but why bother, the fact is i have opened that door, so time to see where it leads.
when i think of that time, my final days of my active addiction, i always remember the glee i felt, when i believed i was fooling everyone and getting away with “recovery murder.” the only thing i was killing, as i realize now from the comfort of a minute clean, was myself. life in the last month was not the joyful time i choose to nostalgically remember, in fact, it was just boring and blah and i was wondering IF i could sustain my using and keep probation off my back. i once said that it was a HIGHER POWER at work that finally brought me to my knees and made me give up the fantasy of fooling everyone else, but it was actually my character defects and arrogance, as i had come to believe i was invulnerable to getting busted. considering who i as and who i am today, i still see more than a few signs of denial, hubris and recovery, so not EVERYTHING has changed. in fact most of the stories i tell myself these days, especially about those “end of time,” are less than truthful and are covered by a very thin veneer of truth. scratch the surface and one can see denial in all its glory and the miracle of my entire journey, is that i even got started on it, as all indications back in those days, was that was never going to happen.
moving forward into to today, i can see the insanity of the stories that have become my bread and butter. no matter how hard i try to change them, the echoes of what once was still come barrelling over what is. the evidence of my life in recovery, here and now, is overwhelming and yet the part of me i call addiction wants to believe that those “end of days” were some of the best times of my life. those lies have been weaponized and are being used to deny who i am today. the thrill of getting away with something has not left me nor has the notion that if i do enough of this recovery gig, i will become something i am not an addict who can use socially with no unpleasant consequences. coming to believe that the POWER that fuels my recovery, can restore me to a state i have never been in, is certainly going to be an exercise in FAITH, but today, as i see the insanity of my life, i am beginning to HOPE that is exactly what will happen.
when i think of that time, my final days of my active addiction, i always remember the glee i felt, when i believed i was fooling everyone and getting away with “recovery murder.” the only thing i was killing, as i realize now from the comfort of a minute clean, was myself. life in the last month was not the joyful time i choose to nostalgically remember, in fact, it was just boring and blah and i was wondering IF i could sustain my using and keep probation off my back. i once said that it was a HIGHER POWER at work that finally brought me to my knees and made me give up the fantasy of fooling everyone else, but it was actually my character defects and arrogance, as i had come to believe i was invulnerable to getting busted. considering who i as and who i am today, i still see more than a few signs of denial, hubris and recovery, so not EVERYTHING has changed. in fact most of the stories i tell myself these days, especially about those “end of time,” are less than truthful and are covered by a very thin veneer of truth. scratch the surface and one can see denial in all its glory and the miracle of my entire journey, is that i even got started on it, as all indications back in those days, was that was never going to happen.
moving forward into to today, i can see the insanity of the stories that have become my bread and butter. no matter how hard i try to change them, the echoes of what once was still come barrelling over what is. the evidence of my life in recovery, here and now, is overwhelming and yet the part of me i call addiction wants to believe that those “end of days” were some of the best times of my life. those lies have been weaponized and are being used to deny who i am today. the thrill of getting away with something has not left me nor has the notion that if i do enough of this recovery gig, i will become something i am not an addict who can use socially with no unpleasant consequences. coming to believe that the POWER that fuels my recovery, can restore me to a state i have never been in, is certainly going to be an exercise in FAITH, but today, as i see the insanity of my life, i am beginning to HOPE that is exactly what will happen.
∞ DT ∞