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told and told more than once that all i had to change is everything! across the days that comprise my clean time, time and again i have run up against this simple fact of life in recovery. no matter how much i dread change and fight against it, changing what was and allowing it to become what is, has been a theme in my life, especially in the past eighteen months. as i approach a quarter of a century of continuous clean time, i can take a minute to consider where all this change is taking me. i may not know where i am going, that is quite evident from recent events, but i have stopped considering the destination and started to pay attention to the journey. being present in the here and now, instead of fretting and fuming about what may be coming down the road, is where i wish to land this morning.
what came up for me this morning was an urge to retreat into my island and become the rock i once pretended to be, cut off from my emotions and safe withing my womb, touching no one and no one touching me. with apologies to Paul Simon, those song lyrics spoke to me from the very first time i heard them, way before i used for that very first time. i know today that i am not, nor was i ever any sort of rock, but that fantasy saved me from all sorts of emotional peril and distress, across the course of my life, before, during and after active addiction. releasing the deep-seated resentments i had and allowing myself to become something i was not, has brought me to a place where what happens to me today, is far more important that what was done to me in the past. what happens in the here and now, takes precedence over what is going to happen in the next ten minutes. becoming whole and genuine, at least to me, means living in this moment and relishing what i currently have.
so i have reached the point where i am not sure i have anything more to say. the next step for me? well to dress out and burn a few hundred kilo-calories. after that, getting a few things accomplished at work, taking a break from the wall i keep bumping up against. perhaps a day off and on to a task or three that i can get done today, will not be a bad thing. one thing is for certain for me today, i am choosing to be okay with where i am right here and now. i know where my feet are and for the next hour or so, i know where they will be carrying me. after that? 🤔 well, who knows, but certainly tied to a keyboard for eight hours of pounding out the python code.

∞ DT ∞