Blog entry for:

for improvement present themselves.
once upon a time, in a time that at times feels a century ago, and at others seems just like yesterday, all i wanted to do is not use. i had some unmanageable elements in my life, BUT this whole change everything gig, not for me, no sir, not at all, i had a legal problem that only abstinence would eradicate, the rest of that recovery stuff was for someone else. and IF i was like some of the men and women i have had the opportunity to get to know in the course of this “not me” life i have been given, i too would be part of that revolving door of justice, in and out of lock-ups, county jails and prisons.well BECAUSE something snuck in and took over, that has not been my fate and as i approach the anniversary of my clean date, i stand dumbfound by what that really means.
change, no matter abhorrent to me, has been a constant factor in my life, even before i accepted recovery and started to live a program of recovery. those first thirteen months in the wrong fellowship, that resistance to the notion that i was an addict, the lack of my desire to stay clean, even when the desire to use had been lifted, all contributed to the fact that today i am sitting here writing this and looking for new opportunities to improve myself. the fact that unlike some of my peers, i was not “struck clean” and i suffered the pangs of fatal cool and terminal uniqueness, does not make my journey worth any less than theirs. the fact that i no see that i lost nothing in active addiction, but i willingly gave it all way, does not make superior either. today i feel, and some days that fVcking sux! today i care and that means i can get hurt. today, i have FAITH that the POWER that fuels my recovery will give me everything i need, and what that POWER gives me has very little to do with the material world. today i have HOPE that if i do what i have don e and pay attention, i will go to bed tonight clean. today i am less resistant to the notion that change, at least for me, is not to be dreaded even if it does not feel good. today, i am an addict who is living a program of recovery and as such needs to wind this up, and head on down the road. it is after all a great day to change into the person i have always wanted to be.

∞ DT ∞