Blog entry for:

of the change, wrought by the recovery process, may seem overwhelming at times. as i complete another annual cycle of staying clean, i can look back and see that where i am today, is nowhere close to where i thought i was going. in fact, i was fairly certain that nothing needed to be changed and that this recovery gig was going to be a brief respite from my daily using rituals. as naive as that idea once was. i know today that all that i have been through, the pain and the growth, was what i required to actually have a life worth living. now that i have that life, i also have come to the realization that maintaining it, may “feel” easy, because i have become habituated to doing so. in fact, living a life by spiritual principles is no easier today than it was back in the beginning, it just got different.
this morning, as my day was turned topsy-turvy by taking care of the automobile that gets me around, i see that having a life that is productive and responsible, means more today than ever before. i wonder how i go about telling a friend and peer that i see them sinking into isolation as they cut themselves off from their friends, by acting out in self-obsession. i do not know if they see them sliding backwards or not and am not sure what my place may be here. i am also concerned by the power another friend and peer is giving to others and how that is keeping them from balance in their life. i have been in both places and as i walked through those scenarios, i had to come to grips with who i was and what i really wanted. in the end, i decided that if i respected myself, i had to change the way i was thinking, by behaving in accordance to the principles my predecessors imparted to me. i had to let go of what i “thought” was going on and “feel” my way to doing the next right thing, even if it was difficult.
today, i need to be present for my employer, my spouse, my parents and my peers, no matter the cost. this morning i want to run and hide my head in the sand and believe that nothing i do will make any difference to any of them. guess which direction i am committing to, just for today!

∞ DT ∞