Blog entry for:

because my life was in great shape. far from it, but by this time in my journey to recovery, i had not accepted that i was an addict and my uncontrolled use of drugs was a problem. even as i was taking key tags marking a mythical clean date in February, i was not done yet. as i was getting away with using at least once a month, i thought i could have the best of both worlds, a little sumthin' sumthin' now and then, and a life that looked like i was in recovery. i believed that was as good as it was going to get for me, and after eighteen months or so, of surviving on the edges of both worlds, i would be able to return to the life i once thought was da bomb.
ironically, that was not how things worked out, as i am writing this little bit, this morning seventeen years after i first read this reading, wondering how i managed to survive the dark days between my first meeting and my real clean date. so i do understand life on the edge of recovery, and when i see others walking along that very narrow path, i do my best to try and carry the message of HOPE. what message might that be? well, that they might as well take the plunge for today and see what happens. who knows they may actually like a life where they are not owned by addiction. the best part is, it is only for this 24 hour slice of time, and the using life is not going anywhere, ever, so if this recovery gig is not what one wants it to be, there is always at least one more dose. i can tell you that the decision i made to stay out of prison and at least start to try and walk a recovery path, led to one of the darkest, unpleasant and painful periods in my life, BUT, and it certainly is a big one, i am now grateful that i made it through those 180 days of pure misery and eventually found my way to the only recovery program and fellowship that CAN work for someone like me. it is not the drugs that owned me, regardless of what my peers may say, it was addiction, and drugs were how the symptoms of addiction were manifest within my life.
so my life in recovery after 7 months of faking it and 13 months of being in the wrong fellowship, i finally started on the path i am on today. for me, i had to go through all of that, as ugly and painful as it was, BECAUSE, that was the only way i would ever have arrived where i am today. when they say that everything must go, final clearance sale, they are not kidding, for this addict, everything about that old life has been swept away, dealt with and put into its proper perspective. that fire sale continues, but the pace and magnitude of change in my life has been greatly reduced, and of course i can tip that apple cart anytime i choose to do so. all i have to do is whistle, and i certainly know how to whistle.
so time to go to work, tell my recruiter that i may be interested in the position, based on a culture fit and allow whatever is going to happen to happen. just for today.

∞ DT ∞