Blog entry for:

i know i can not take care of all that needs to be done, not all at once.
my problem is the very thought of WHAT NEEDS to change starts a cascade of thoughts about HOW to change, leading to intricate plans to IMPLEMENT the change, leading to expectations about HOW LONG and WHAT the outcome will be considering all the possibilities of how my plans will go and the next thing i know it is time for bed and i have not done any action, even the simplest, most obvious actions i could have done, to making any change in my life. then the next day the process starts all over again, with similar results and again the next day and the next day and the next day. all the while, i am becoming frustrated and dissatisfied with my life, grumpy, moody and irritable in my personal relationships, and questioning whether i am suitable for this whole recovery gig.
so how then do i imitate any change in the vicious cycle i just elaborated on for your vicarious pleasure? well first i stop thinking! sometimes my mind can be my greatest enemy and it is not like i am speaking as two different entities here, i understand that my mind is me! anyhow where exactly was i going before getting diverted in inane digressions, oh yeah that’s right first off i stop thinking. then i look briefly at what is in front of me, most of the time i either have a project from work that needs tending to or some little bit of work around the house or in my garden, and i take care of that responsibility, taking actual action to achieve my goal of getting something accomplished. and as i accomplish the current task, the next one presents itself, and sometimes, not often, the next thing that presents itself for my immediate attention is a bit of recovery writing or step work. and i tackle that little bit of work and move on, allowing myself the freedom to move from one bit of change to another. taking care of my personal responsibilities was not something i was good at when i came to recovery and due to the nature of my current employment situation it is imperative that this addict make use of his precious resource of time to the best of his ability. twisting about what and how to change is just something i lack the resources to do today. and as i have learned to discipline myself to taking care of what is in front of me, a miracle has happened, all those things that i have discovered NEEDED to be changed are changing auto-magically, and seemingly without any effort on my part. and this reading is a good reminder to me to just do it and see where i am at the end of my day. chances are i will be better off than i was when the day started and for me that is the hope of this entire recovery path i have been put pan and chosen to continue to walk.

∞ DT ∞