Blog entry for:

i just need to change everything.
well i am not the most spiritual kid on the block this morning, as i have been working straight through since 9:30 PM last night and it is now 10:15AM. needless to say, when this finally ends, i will have to walk carefully as i am very low on any kind of reserves. life is like that and i expected a long night, what i did not expect is having to jump through all sorts of hoops to get stuff fixed. powerlessness is the watch word today and ion a few minutes i get to see if my day is approaching the end. it is what it is and of course i always fall back on that is why they pay me the big bucks.
it is true, that getting clean was the hardest thing i ever did. it is also true, that as i stay clean and pound some days, it gets easier to stay clean. more importantly it gets easier to see the next right thing, even though i often choose to ignore what i know. after being clean for a pile of days, it is also to integrate what i know about myself and what i know about this recovery gig, into a seamless picture and believe that even when i am being a dick, i can find a rationalization or an obfuscation, to cover my tracks as it were. the first thing i see in that situation is to just duck and cover and then, dammit all, it ends up on my 10TH step sometimes taking care of my face, outweighs taking care of my ass, and i pay an huge price for that.
first things first today? keep the customer satisfied, get a nap and be present for the bit of sponsee time, i may actually get to have. other than that, remember that i am far from in a well rested and serene state, so make the adjustments i need to make, to limit the damage i may feel that i am entitled to wreak upon the hapless and waiting world.

∞ DT ∞