Blog entry for:

i needed recovery, and quick!
as i often shared, what i wanted when i got here, was an instant fix for all the issues in my life. i was more than a little annoyed when they told me that personality change was what was needed and not the outside issues and events that drove me into the rooms. i needed a way out, or so i believed and what i got was a way in. into the world of day to day living that the other 85% of the human population appears to take in stride, most of the time. it seems somehow when it came to learning how to do life, i was asleep or just not paying attention, and i missed out or more than likely, believed that all that stuff did not apply to me. so when the substances were removed from my life, i was poorly prepared for what was left.
i wanted what you guys had, but like always, i did not necessarily do what you did to get it. after all, i was different, i was not really an addict and was not about to allow myself to be defined as one, there were all sorts of other labels i chose to avoid, and in the meeting last night, i heard someone flippantly rattling off what he thought were the different classes of addicts and assuring everyone in the room that they already knew that and where they fit is his schema of the using world. he knew the language of recovery and was more than willing to offer advice, but certainly did not want to hear from anyone who has walked the program a few days, about their Experience, Strength and Hope. that addict was me, or at least the version of me that walked into the rooms all those days ago. i knew what i was and what i was not. i knew where i fit in the social strata that is the using world and i knew that i was only here on a temporary basis, until the 20th Judicial District got their pound of flesh from me. ironically, here i sit this morning, still a member and finally certain that although i did not have a drug problem, i am certainly an addict.
what did i get by sticking around? more than i can ever enumerate in the few minutes i have remaining. yes that too is a gift, i have a life where i am expected to be places and for the most part i show up and am present for what i need to do. i also have a life, where from time to time i am apt to check-out and ignore everything around me. more and more, that happens less and less, which is also a good thing. anyhow, i am in the midst of the personality change that is changing everything in my life. there are a few things that i can see, will never change. my family is still my family, i am just moire involved with them today. most importantly is the fact that i am an addict and abstinence and personality change does not change that fact, no matter how hard i try to spin it. the so-called social strata of the using world? a myth i used to add a layer of deniability to what i had finally become, after all addiction is all the same, the only difference is how long and f=how far down, one allows themselves to be a victim of their addiction. for me, just for today, i chose to take an active part in my life and do what i can to foster my ongoing recovery.

∞ DT ∞