Blog entry for:

by taking the step right in front of me. change everything, seriously, who do, who do you think you are fooling?? the way i saw it, was all that anyone did, was change their clean date, which i have come to discover is WHAT happens when one does not allow anything to change. for me, i was so desperate to get out of the justice system, that the side-effect of this, was that when i was told i could be a citizen again, i had a recovery process rolling and had made changes that continue to happen to this day. lucky me, i guess. or miraculous me. or just a random set of disconnect events that led to the outcome that i am enjoying today. how i choose to look at it is really trivial and without any merit. the simple fact is that i am clean today, have been clean for over five thousand days, and will go to sleep tonight with another day of being clean, under my belt.
so what happened??
well i decided that one week after my last use, that i WAS not going to go to prison, and the only path that promised me any sort of freedom, was this recovery gig. i had to pick a clean date and honor it, no matter what and the consequence would be, no prison time. and that is exactly what happened. any one who follows me on twitter or facebook, knows that i DO spend some time in prison and in county jails, but i am an invited guest, and the invitation DOES not include fingerprints, a mug shot and handcuffs. which is a truly freeing experience.
nudge--nudge--wink--wink--know what i mean?
okay, sorry for the bad joke, seriously all i wanted to change was my legal status and be free from the 20th Judicial District and what i get to this day, is freedom from active addiction, and more importantly a path to freedom from the cultural and social garbage i was fed as i was growing up. that garbage, or at least my interpretation of it, has caused nothing but grief for me. sure, it allowed me to look like a upstanding member of society, instead of the addict felon i was, but at what cost? so in this process of change, i am beginning to see, that it was not necessarily my culture or society that was totally at blame for all that garbage. i did and still do have a part in that, and as i stay clean, allow the recovery process to continue and see myself more as the person i WANT to be, the chains of societal and cultural expectations are broken.
am i cured, recovered or ready to leave the rooms to LIVE the life that this path of recovery has given me? no way, my journey has just started, and it is the journey that is becoming important for me today, as i am clueless about the destination.
so time for a quick trot around the neighborhood, a shower and some work. after all, it is a great morning to be alive, free from the ravages of active addiction and able to make choices that are not dictated purely by looking good.

∞ DT ∞