โ i am no longer trapped in the endlessly gray routine of addiction โ
Posted: Thu, Dec 3, 2009 09:58:07 AM
my potential is limited only by the strength of the Higher Power that cares for me -- and that strength has no limits. so i am way off my routine this morning, i had some things to accomplish and some small little fires to put out, hence i am writing this after working out. on days like these i actually get two sessions of quiet time before i write this, my normal morning routine, right after reading the entry, and a meditation in motion, a mind wipe so to speak as i allow myself to become one with my workout and the seemingly never ending conversation in my head ceases to run.
as i see this right now, i do feel free from the limitations of my past. sure there is a felony conviction on my record, and my employment history is far from stellar, and yes i have even made more than my fair share of mistakes, but right here and right now all of that is irrelevant. what i feel right now, and of course it could be the endorphins typing, is a great sense of peace and a certainty that i can see and continue to choose the path that will lead me to ever greater rewards in recovery. those rewards include: a growing self-confidence; the ability to be present for my feelings; and the capability to love and be loved. of course there are many more rewards to staying clean, BUT those are what on the top of my head today. the GREATEST reward i got today, is the choice to continue to be in active recovery or to return to active addiction. it would be nice to say that i do not even consider those alternatives, and quite honestly, most of the time i do not. HOWEVER, for me i need to acknowledge that my limitless potential comes at a cost, namely that i cannot use no matter what. to not consider the cost, at least from time to time is disingenuous of me and a path that may lead me back to not even considering active recovery as a choice.
so as this day is quite a full one for me, i need to hop into the shower and scrape off my workout, it is a great day to recover.
as i see this right now, i do feel free from the limitations of my past. sure there is a felony conviction on my record, and my employment history is far from stellar, and yes i have even made more than my fair share of mistakes, but right here and right now all of that is irrelevant. what i feel right now, and of course it could be the endorphins typing, is a great sense of peace and a certainty that i can see and continue to choose the path that will lead me to ever greater rewards in recovery. those rewards include: a growing self-confidence; the ability to be present for my feelings; and the capability to love and be loved. of course there are many more rewards to staying clean, BUT those are what on the top of my head today. the GREATEST reward i got today, is the choice to continue to be in active recovery or to return to active addiction. it would be nice to say that i do not even consider those alternatives, and quite honestly, most of the time i do not. HOWEVER, for me i need to acknowledge that my limitless potential comes at a cost, namely that i cannot use no matter what. to not consider the cost, at least from time to time is disingenuous of me and a path that may lead me back to not even considering active recovery as a choice.
so as this day is quite a full one for me, i need to hop into the shower and scrape off my workout, it is a great day to recover.
∞ DT ∞