Blog entry for:

momentary impulses for the sake of my longer-term peace of mind. even though i have been clean and practicing a program of active recovery for a minute, i am more than tempted to succumb to my impulse to get something that will bring me a bit of relief from whatever i happen to be feeling. even though i KNOW for a fact, that the relief is passing and in the short run, cratering to that impulse will more than likely cost me more than i am willing to pay. when i was using and when i was in mere abstinence, that notion never, ever crossed my mind. if i wanted it, i did what i could to get it. like a song i heard the other day getting something for the price of ten was often the consequence of acting on impulse and not deferring gratification. i am sure that is a human trait to want immediate gratification, and i know that the part of me that i call addiction, has stretched that trait way out of proportion.
this morning, as i watched the dawn break through my windshield, i used my one and only middle finger salute, far too early in this day. that was an impulsive behavior and even though i may have a huge reservoir of “birds” stored up, from all the days i have not used them, i am still a bit concerned by the fact that i did not let that asshole that cut me off, go. that is a symptom of my lack of spiritual fitness. well, maybe not that extreme, but certainly a feeling i need to explore. it certainly is an indication that something is going on, that may need to be addressed. i have yet to read or put pen to paper on my FIRST STEP assignment. it appears that the pain of not doing, is approaching the level of the pain of doing. 🤢 🤯
considering what i have to get done today, it is more than time to post this little ditty and research the next phase in my work project, so i can demonstrate something for my boss in an hour and a half. i will also be aware that perhaps, i need to start digging on the next phase of my archeologic dig that i call step work, and see what treasure or trash is lurking beneath the surface. i feel that something is going on and it is time to see what it may be, just for today.

∞ DT ∞