Blog entry for:

trying out new ideas and new activities.
so there are two ways i can go about this , this morning. the first is to rail against all the GOD stuff, and how it is the power of GOD that provides me the freedom to be more than i ever was. i think that view is a bit narrow-minded and because i have started down this path, i might as well continue.
for me, the struggle for power and control seems to be a never-ending story. as i move through my journey to becoming the man i have always wanted to be, the vision of who i want to and can be, i sense there is more going on, than meets the eye. certainly, none of this journey would have been possible, without some POWER to fuel my recovery. that POWER in and of itself is not only necessary, but it is also sufficient to make me want to be more than the schmuck that walked into the rooms. that is more than enough for someone like me. when i let go of the limits that POWER may or may not have, than readings like the one this morning make very little sense. saying that POWER is powerful, in any human sense of the word, automatically limits the power that IT possesses. even using words like infinite and limitless, implies that there is a measurable aspect to that POWER and the power IT can apply in my life, hence i have put It back into that box again, by trying to define the undefinable. so i shake my head, i move forward and i accept that the language i need to use, to communicate with my peers, is inadequate to express what i am coming to feel. so i fret, i fume, and i rail against something i have no power over, which is not my understanding of what the POWER that fuels my recovery, is or is not, but how to tell my friends and peers about IT.
getting that off my chest, the tack i heard this morning, was a minimization of the effort i have put into becoming the sort of person i have always wanted to be. the step work. the continuous choice to ask for and seek out the power to stay clean. the choices to sacrifice parts of my life, to get an education, take on volunteer projects, serve the fellowship that has given me this new life and my efforts to carry the message. i really get sick and tired of having to to shift all the focus off of what i had to do, to get where i am today, and attribute it all to some sort of Abrahamic notion of a Supreme Being. the POWER that fuels my recovery is so much more, but does not do my step work, did not give me a college degree, and certainly does not just drop money into my bank account so i can keep a roof over my head. and yet, that POWER allow me the freedom to do or not do all of that. that POWER gives me what i need to stay clean today and make the best of the opportunities that present themselves today. because that POWER gives me what i need to stay clean, i GET to become the vision of the man i have always wanted to be. which brings us back to the whole chicken and egg argument i wrote around yesterday: is it being clean that allows me to access the POWER that fuels my recovery, or it is that POWER that gives me the desire to stay clean and do what is put in front of me?
certainly an interesting thought for today as i move forward into the real world, and do my bestest to be the sort of person, i have always wanted to be.

∞ DT ∞