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in a lifestyle that was worth all i gave up to maintain. if someone would have asked me, way back when, IF i was happy with the direction i was traveling, i would have come back with some sort of **deep** and philosophical response, such as, **what exactly is happiness?** the facts of my life in those days, was i was truly only happy in that instant where i was perfectly high and close to the feeling i got the very first time i got high and my addiction was “turned on.” so i understand why some of my peers and my wannabe peers do their best to maintain the “out” of just a little of this or that, every now and again. there are certainly days when i feel that a dip into this or that, might be a great idea, i would by a lying hypocrite to say anything else. what keeps me from joining them on their “vacations” from abstinence is that fact that i remember what life in active addiction looked like for me and i am not willing to return to that prison in any form.
i know those who are not addicted do not understand that this is truly an “all or nothing” proposition for me. in all of the stories that have become the fabric of my identity, one of the most pervasive and pernicious, is the one that i am not worth doing any more than the bare minimum to get by. when i see others drift in and out, because their lives seem “all together” or they can have an occasional alcoholic beverage, every now and again, that story starts to spin up. i forget the peers i have lost to active addiction and death, because they decided that they could have just one. i forget the pain and misery they share, if they make it back to the rooms. i forget that at the end of every day, i am still an addict and to date, nothing has been offered to me to change that reality. i know many of my peers are obsessed on why they are addicted, and i was there for a very long time. i finally decided that the question of “why” really does not have an answer and i do not need to waste my time on it, in my mind it is no different than trying to inventory my “trigger.” looking for what “makes me ” me want to use, is an exercise in futility as it all comes down to i used because i liked the way getting high felt. whether is was trying to change how i felt, or make how i felt even better is one of those “chicken vs. egg” questions that i choose to drop into the bit bucket today.
anyhow, enough soap box. the time has come to pack up my stuff and head on down to the office. it is a good day to be clean and if my coworkers decide to have an “adult” beverage on our outing for lunch today, well good for them. me, just for today, i think i will stay clean and do what i can do to foster my recovery.

∞ DT ∞