Blog entry for:

see myself in a new way and most of the time, that is a very good thing. since i am doing a security upgrade on my router as i pound this out, i will need to remember that i have to take a precaution or two, before i attempt to this exercise. that is part of seeing myself in a new way, remembering the obstacles i may have put into my own path, consciously or unconsciously and working within those parameters.
what i “heard” this morning was that this silly exercise i have been doing, trying to control my recovery and exercising a bit of the power that i do have, is backfiring in a huge way. sure it is within my power NOT to work the FIRST STEP assignment, but is it truly in my best interest to exert that power? as i was speaking to an addict yesterday afternoon, i asked him a similar question, what does he have power over? his response was nothing, and then i reminded him of that he does have some power: he has the power to make his bad situation even worse, through his own actions. as idiotic as that sounds, i see myself doing the exact same thing, proving i am not totally powerless by acting against my own self-interest. it is true, my consequences are not as severe as his, but there are consequences to my stubborn willfulness, and apparently up until right now, i have been willing to accept them. as i get ready to head south for the day, i am struck by how ignorant this whole attitude is and wondering why someone with a few days clean, ,would choose to exercise such an option.
maybe, it is as my peer said the other night: an oversized ego because i have an artistic temperament. or maybe, and more likely, it is just me, doing my control freak thing and acting out to change how i feel, after a ll a bit of chaos does wonders for the system! r=the “why” does not matter, what does matter is whether or not i am ready to look for something more and stop doing what i am doing. right here and right now? the answer is yes and as i have plenty of windshield time, to ponder my 1ST STEP today, i will look at what i need to look at and move forward in my recovery,

∞ DT ∞