Blog entry for:

i am free to stretch in new ways, trying out new ideas and new activities. my potential is limited only by the strength of the Higher Power that cares for me and that strength has no limits.
well my potential is really limited by my self-image too! the reading is spot on about what i could do, where i could go, and who i could become. there should be almost no limits except perhaps a few physical ones, no matter how powerful, i doubt my HIGHER POWER could arrange for me to bear a child but that is just a diversion from the real issue -- where can this addict go? the answer according to the reading is anywhere and everywhere, the destination is only limited by me. it is i, who resists the will of my HIGHER POWER, who deems himself unworthy of becoming a stronger partner in my relationships, who clings to my past, who chooses to dwell in anger, who judges himself against a standard that no one could ever meet, and most importantly who believes that he is not worth the effort to become more.
isn’t intellect a wonderful thing? i realize and understand all of that and yet, i refuse to concede to my innermost self, that those are THE FACTS are THE TRUTH (emphasis intended). why in the world would someone choose to throw such a gift away, or worse accept it and let it rot away in the rains of self-doubt and diseased thinking? well it all goes back to the sad truth that i am a human being that suffers from the disease of addiction. the part of me i call my disease tells me lies that sound so clever that i believe they are true. among those lies is that my behaviors in the past and in the here and now deems me somehow less than my peers and friends in recovery. because of that behavior i am not deserving of anything but the crap i got when i was in active addiction. and now for the really sneaky part ---- and since i am deserving of that shit, i might as well just use, after all that is the only way i could anesthetize my feelings of being less than and getting the short end of the deal. once anesthetized, i could never stop being numb. that is my fate, why not just accept that and move into a less painful means of existence?
well today, right now, i do not have to accept that fate. perhaps it is my fate to stray from the path of recovery and die in active addiction, but i choose to believe that is not the case. i choose recovery today, so i will start to accept that i am worthy of the limitless potential my HIGHER POWER is offering me, and see where i can go today!

∞ DT ∞