Blog entry for:

in it is open to me, as a result of recovery.
everything is coming up roses, the birds are singing, the sun i shining, there is peace in the world and i can see the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, one for everyone.
okay maybe a little over the top, without a sarcasm tag. some of the time, these reading just seem way over the top on this whole notion of a “positivist” outlook. not to be a nattering nabob of negativity, but this whole notion of seeing the world in a positive or negative light, feels like feel-good, psycho-babble bullsh!t. the world is neither all good nor all bad, and when i step out of making a value judgement, in other words evaluate what i see and not allow my emotions top control my interpretation, i actually see things for what they are and as of now nothing is fVcked.
which quite quickly brings me back to the limits on the vision of how far i once thought i could go and where i may be able to go these days. i can let others spin the world in whatever way they choose to, me i see everything as a mix of yin and yang, and that same vision when turned inwards,m sees myself in a similar fashion. that vision of who i am and where i might be going, is the RESULT of the last step cycle i completed, which is predicated on the previous three trips through the step. finally i have a perspective that avoids the emotional judgement of how “good” or “bad” i am or am not. when i take that out of the equation, my need to spin things in a positive or negative fashion is removed as well, fancy that! this metamorphosis is an interesting one to document and i think this morning i will pull it all together.
when i was in active addiction, i was in denial about who i was. if i needed to feel better, relief really was just a fix away, and the rationalization and justification machine cranked out excuses automagically. there was always a reason and that reason was the result of someone or something else. not one damn thing was wrong with me and i did not need any freakin&39; junkie, no matter how reformed, telling me what to do. needless to say, with an attitude like that and the whole chip on my shoulder over my little legal predicament, which again was not my fault, the fact that i even stuck around for those first seven months, looking like i was complying, is amazing.
getting clean did very little to change that attitude, but there were a few cracks in the wall, and when it came down to it, it looked like maybe i should take this sh!t, sort of seriously, so i worked steps in a very haphazard and superficial manner. i stayed clean in those eighteen months between my clean date and finally, willingly, working with a sponsor in the fellowship that is my home today. during that time, the denial of who and what i was, was eroded and i began to see myself as the lowest form of life, lower than whale dung, as the cliché goes. that second trip through the steps, left me craving readings such as the one this morning, so i had a vision of a way out. i was one of those members who “shared for the newcomer,” and left my garbage outside the doors of the rooms, after all, i NEEDED to attract more members, and it was ALL up to me. not any ego there. 😏
the third trip through the steps, finally got me seeing that the world may be made of black and white, but very rarely is anything pure black or pure white. every action has a consequence and every gift has something that comes along with it. i begin to see myself as a person on a journey that really does not have a defined destination and see that i COULD have a vision of myself that was more than i ever thought was possible and that vision, was not only attainable, but quite possibly be in alignment with the will of GOD for me. this reading through that segment of my journey, reinforced what i was coming to see and accept as reality. this last trip? well even though it was not about a spiritual path, it certainly yanked me in a direction that nearly left me without a fellowship. since i no longer need to rationalize or justify who i am, i see this reading as an affirmation of what i uncovered in this last step cycle. that there are mysteries withing yet to be revealed as well as both yin and yang. i can be anything i want to be, and today i choose to be an addict in active recovery, living the program. am i perfect at it? by no measure at all, and yet there are times when i feel the to beat myself up about how imperfect i may be. reading such as the one today, remind me that even if i do not have a Kum-By-Yah moment, i can be okay with e=where i am going, because i have a vision that has replaced my endless trek through the wasteland of active addiction. just for today i am well on my way to being genuine, self-assured and whole.

∞ DT ∞