Blog entry for:

that i was a tough, courageous person incapable of cracking under any circumstances. so what brought this on in my experience over the past twenty-four hours. to be exact conversations, or rather non-conversations with two addicts who are a part of my life, that are consistently, in my opinion, running from their FEAR! as always i could certainly go on and on about how they did this or that, BUT this is about me and what their actions, words and feelings make me feel.
so with that in mind, i need to look whether i am feeling like some sort of victim. yes, i paid and continue to pay a price for being an addict. i can rail against how unfair it all is and question how a loving HIGHER POWER could have built me this way. all of that is a smoke screen for what i NEED to be doing, and allows me to live in self-righteousness instead of facing what what i really up. what that may be? the FEAR, that the process will uncover or unlock something that will forever change who i think i am. that FEAR is based in reality, as each step, in each step cycle has does exactly that. and although it may not appear so, i far from being a ‘two shoes’. yet i resist doing the work, with the unspoken FEAR that this time i will somehow be transformed into some sort of boring, dull, saint, that i will not like. gone will be the gritty veneer of street smarts and the cool exterior that i have cultivated over the course of my adult life. acting-out then becomes my reason for being, it shows me what a rebel i can be, and best of all, when the pigeons come home to roost, i can simply blame it on being an addict, after all that i what i have to admit myself on a daily basis and accept in my heart of hearts. a slick piece of sophistry to cover up the coward i am, after all, for me, it still is all about appearances.
so what does this all mean? it means that when the the whole "i am being victimized by…" dialogue starts to run through my head, i NEED to consider whether or not i am running away from facing something i NEED to walk through. can i walk through this FEAR and come out the other side? i know the answer to that, of course i can, and i also know that i will receive the gift of experience as a result.
those who are whining about their victim status? when it happens today, as i know it will, i will simply ask what is it that they are afraid of? chances are, they are afraid of being judged and found lacking something essential. they, like me are afraid that such a feeling will destroy them. i will then say, i have yet to die from a feeling and that each time i walk through the FEAR of a feeling, i am no longer scared by that feeling ever again. it really sounds idiotic to be afraid of a feeling, even as i write this, the delicious irony seeps through. i say stuff to men that can kick my ass without fear and yet when it comes to feeling judged i whine like a baby and avoid it with much more effort than facing it would require. i guess i will do my level best to walk in courage today and see where that takes me, after all, the only victim here is me, at my own hand! life is far too short to live in that manner, at least just for today.

∞ DT ∞