Blog entry for:

these times of F.ear, U.ncertainty and D.oubt, will take a bit more courage than the **just for todays** that have been my life since i got clean. while that may seem to be over the top hyperbole, i get that sense from all of those around me. i **feel** it is my job to be reassuring and face the world, each and every day, even though i see terrible examples of human behavior in action at the grocery store every single time i go shopping. it seems that all of my neighbors have lost any shred of decency and are scrambling to get whatever they can, regardless of how they do it. i may be feeling over-sensitive about how **they** are behaving, because i want to feel **superior** to them and put on a brave front for all those around me, when in truth i am just as fearful about what is going to happen next, as they seem to be.
the problem, at least for this addict, is not that a crazy pandemic is sweeping across my world and more and more i am getting locked down. no the problem is that now that i have come out of the isolation of active addiction and rejoined the human race, hanging with my pees and my source of strength, is now being taken away. i am not certain if my rebellion to the loss of my freedom to associate is a human reaction or one that is part of being an addict, the fact is, i do not like being told when and how i can hang with others, especially since they are the source of my strength and yes the foundation of my courage. i am discovering who is “compliant” and who is “rebellious” in my circle of friends and peers, and find myself losing respect for those who are doing the best they can, to follow the guidelines and mandates coming down from a government that stripped itself of the resources to stop this in its tracks, before it took hold.
my reaction to all of this? F*CK IT! before the lock-down starts, i am driving into the office, i am congregating with my peers, i am spending as much time as possible out of my home and i am letting go of my vision of what this may bring. when all is said and done, i want to be able to have a connection with those i share my recovery with and strengthen the foundation of my recovery. for me, that means attending meetings whenever and wherever i can, in person or on-line. that means making a calls daily to my peers and letting them know, that i am just as anxious about what tomorrow will look like as they are. as strange as it may seem, i also need to allow myself to “feel” the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery and express that will in all of my affairs. just for today, the courage i find, comes from that source.
isolation and hunkering down is not part of my plan for today. my plan is to be out and about and foster the relationships i need to foster, so when the mandate becomes more than a “suggestion ” i have the connections in place to create the kind of community that can survive these times. i am scared and the FEAR i feel is real. pretending otherwise is a lie. i will however, not allow the FEAR i feel to restrict me in fostering my recovery and the process of becoming the sort of person i have always wanted to be.

∞ DT ∞