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somewhere down the line, i got the notion that courage, and bravery were best exemplified by being fearless. in my drug induced stupor, i very rarely felt fear, hence i was fearless most of the time and thought i was brave and courageous. even when i owned up to the fact that i had not stopped using and was far from being a member, because i had absolutely no desire to stop using, i was not exhibiting courage or bravery, i was being compliant, grudgingly compliant and looking back, quite defiant as well. my first courageous act in recovery was when i finally admitted i was an addict and asked my second sponsor, to sponsor me. yes it would be nice to say that happened early in my recovery, and from this vantage point it certainly was early, but at the time… well i have already revisited that time enough time to move along.
it is an act of courage for anyone to open up to someone they respect. overcoming my fear of being judged, disrespected or outed, is certainly an act of courage. staying clean day after day, even when it does not feel like staying clean is paying off, is an act of courage. hiding in a co-dependent relationship, white-knuckling my recovery, so i can appear to be “normal,” is a FEAR based behavior, especially when it is to avoid looking at who i am, right now, and who i could become. living in the here and now, instead drowning in a sew of “what ifs,” is an act of courage. the list could go on, but today, i feel as if i have already made my point, and i need to move on.
something that happened yesterday sticks way out for me, as i sit here this morning. last night i heard at the meeting an addict talking about coming to the rooms broken. as i stay clean and learn to courageously live in active recovery, i realize that i was NOT broken when i came to the rooms, nor are any of my peers, broken either. yes, i was unhealthy, as i lived in a fear based but medicated away state of mind. yes, i did some things that were heinous and yes, i am not the person that i was way back when. i was NOT however BROKEN, nor was i in need of repair,. what i was, was an addict in active addiction, probably end-stage, acting out on addiction with no consideration for myself or anyone else. so if i was not broken, i cannot be fixed, what i can be, however, is healthier in mind, body and spirit. what i can be is a full participant in my life, instead of allowing the windows and tides of the world around me, to push me hither and thither, without any apparent rhyme or reason. taking responsibility for my life, even today, is an act of courage, as i can no longer blame people, places or things for what occurs in my life. i may be powerless over a whole helluva lot of things, what i am not powerless over today, is how i act and react to the very same world that used to confuse me. today i will walk out the door and face that confusing, frustrating world and see what acts of courage i need to demonstrate, after all, it is a good day to be on this side of the greenish grass.

∞ DT ∞