Blog entry for:

to paralyze me, is no longer part of my standard operation procedure. that does not, HOWEVER, mean that i am never FEARFUL or stuck like a deer in the headlights of an oncoming motor vehicle. this morning, i am not living in fear, in fact, what i want to do is go back to bed and laze around and not deal with anything today. it is not as if i have a ton of responsibilities to anyone but myself to attend to, and yet there is a part of me that cannot seem to let go of being productive for me, myself and i. owning that i have been up and out of the house since i lost my job, does wonders for my esteem and self-respect. in the long run, being productive, taking care of myself and getting out of the house ion “work” days, has paid off. today, i just want a vacation from being a responsible member of society and that cannot happen, due to events outside of my control.
i have alluded to the fact that my Mom is in the hospital. well, yesterday afternoon that changed as they had done all they could do for her. she moved to rehab to start her “intense” therapy so she can go home and resume her semi-independent life. today, i get to go looking for her Power of Attorney paperwork, so that the facility knows what to do, if something unforeseen occurs on their watch. i am also going to pack a small bag for her, so she does not need to live in a hospital gown and bring home and launder the cl;others she wore into the hospital a few weeks ago. i will also need to remind her that the length of her stay will be based on how hard she chooses to apply herself to getting up and getting around on her own. i have chided her for the past few years about “moving” more, now that little bird has come home to roost and she has to decide what living ion her own home, with her dogs and TV, is worth to her.
for me, being fit, spiritually and physically, is worth any and all of the effort i have put into it, including dressing out and heading to the Rec Center this morning. there is a bit of anxiety about what next week will bring to my life, BUT i am dedicated to taking care of myself, so giving up on my fitness program is not part of my plan. today, even though i feel like doing nothing, i will suit up, show up and be a part of my life. my self-esteem may not depend on how productive i am today, but i certainly know that if i crater to FEAR, Uncertainty and Doubt, i could end up stuck in a morass of self-pity and regrets. i choose to face FEAR today and live a life where i get to participate in living and not go about dying, physically, emotionally, spiritually or mentally, just for today.

∞ DT ∞