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i had drugged all my feelings, fear among them, until i had convinced myself that i was a tough, courageous person who would not crack under any circumstances.
and of course i always caved in to save whatever i needed to save. most of the time what i was trying to save was my face or my connection to what i NEEDED most, my next fix. stuff like legal consequences, driving when i was totally FUBAR, whether i would get laid or not, whether my family approved of my lifestyle, or even overdosing on the very substances that provided my so-called courage never were part of the equation. like many others that were caught in the grips of active addiction i mistook fearlessness for courage.
i will tell you this right now, getting clean, learning how to live the program and staying clean takes a whole helluva lot more courage than i once thought was possible. going from fearless to fearful is a giant leap, and do not read anything more into this than facing life is a scary proposition. truthfully i was always afraid of the twists and turns life had in store for me on a daily basis, hence the numbing of my feelings on a daily basis. for me, feelings were the scariest part of life, that has been diminished but has yet to go away. i still have fearful moments about a reaction or overreaction to my feelings and what is going on around me. i am fearful that i may show something to someone that i do not want you, mostly around what is going on inside. but my biggest fear today? that all of this is a sham; i am a poseur in recovery; one day i will wake up and discover that i cannot really do the recovery gig because i have not done the gig up to that point. sounds a bit ridiculous once i commit it to the bits and bytes of the internet, and i am thinking about dropping that last line into the bit bucket by erasing it forever. NAH, i did need to say that and it will not kill me to acknowledge my FEAR while walking through it. i am after all. not the man who entered recovery all those days ago, so today i can let go of my fear and let THE POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN AND PROVIDES FOR ALL MY NEEDS take care of me. a very simple task but hardly an easy one. simplicity today not FEAR is my goal. i will see how well i achieve that goal today!

∞ DT ∞