Blog entry for:

to stop my growth, is not what i have planned for this evening or tomorrow, however i see how that might just happen.
many hours, many events and many miles have transpired between when i read this reading and finally getting to write this little bit of not so random brainwaves. i got to be a part of an ending and i have to admit i cried as the priest said his little bit at the graveside. i really do not like doing this whole after living ends bit, BUT today, i have no FEAR when i cry or feel sad or even just hang and support those who need to know that life does need to go on. it does remind me of my own mortality and my significant other and i are talking about the details of what will need to be left to one another in the event of…
sitting here this evening, exhausted emotionally, physically and spiritually, i know that what i may say, may not really be what i mean to say and what i left unsaid will be something i need to say. i also know that nay courage i might demonstrates by moving forward with writing down my feelings, right here and right now, will be a boon to getting me through until tomorrow. i feel sad and a bit of remorse because i was too chicken to make the journey out to see my sister-in-law, as she came to the end. yes it was FEAR that kept me from offering, as i have seen it before and was part of sending off a friend, long before his time. i made a point of being there for him, right up to the end. i am not certain what the nature of my FEAR was this time, perhaps it would be seen as a greater commitment to family than i am willing to admit. oh i can say i wanted to remember her the way i saw her 6 months ago, still smiling, active and part of life, but that is of course a story to soothe my conscience. what it comes down to, i was afraid and lacked the courage to make that journey and as a result when this day came, i could no longer live with myself, if i chose to not be there for my family.
so it goes, regret turned into support and now i am faced with another day and another bat to beat myself up with, a less than stellar performance that i am far from satisfied with, today. for every bit of Yin there needs to be some Yang, and in this case that finally got balanced out. so it is off to TV land to numb away my feelings and get to a place where i can accept things for what they are. recovery sometimes really does suck, but just for today i am going to be okay.

∞ DT ∞