Blog entry for:

i may think i am a coward.
as i sat down, preparing to sit this morning, a song rolled through my head with the lyric that says i may like to think i am not coward, but i have never been tested. an interesting contrast to what i felt as i detached from the world around me, and stopped myself from telling stories. i felt that i am riddled with FEAR, and the only foil i have is the path of recovery through the 12 steps, that i have been embarked on since i woke up this morning. so when i say i am riddled with FEAR, i am using a bit of hyperbole there, and of course that is due to the FEAR that if i really state how much FEAR i feel on most days, it will sound conceited and look bad in the eyes of my peers, which is yet another FEAR of mine. one can see that this recursive trip may end in an infinite loop, so i will break it off right there. yes i have FEAR on a daily basis, but i rarely feel frightened. as my FAITH in the WHATEVER that fuels my recovery, becomes stronger, and my reliance on asking that POWER for this and that wanes. prayer begins to feel less and less, necessary and meditation takes on a much greater importance. to put it in the parlance of the fellowship i need to shut up and listen more. which brings me through to the whole FAITH v FEAR dichotomy. can all the little insecurities i deal with on a daily basis be called FEAR? or is that an exaggeration to affect a reaction? i mean, when one takes a look at modern life, there are sorts of things one could be afraid of, the least of which being that i will lose my way and end up somewhere that is dangerous. there are certainly more than a number of frightening events that could occur once i walk out my door, and if i walk out frightened of every little possibility, well i have certainly lost my way. i have the FAITH that no matter what may or may not happen today, it is what it is, nothing more, and certainly nothing less. it is not a test of my courage, my FAITH or my commitment to recovery. today, i can be brave, by demonstrating that although there may be a tragedy around the corner for me, i will still suit up and be a participant in my life and my recovery. i live my FAITH by walking into the dangers of the cruel and cold world that is uncaring and certainly without any sympathy or empathy. it is a gift that my fellow humans, provide the caring that i require and that afraid or not, i too, can give that to others. a far cry from the selfish man who walked into the rooms, when it was ALL ABOUT WHAT I COULD GET, AND HOW LITTLE I HAD TO GIVE TO GET IT.
so time to conquer my fear, shower off the detritus of the past 24 and head on down the road to work. it is a good day to recover.

∞ DT ∞