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what is not healthy is allowing fear to paralyze me. i qualify the whole fears are natural and healthy statement with most, for a good reason. even with a bit of clean time, about an hour so far today, paraphrasing my friend David, i am subject to an irrational fear or three. the biggest one for me, is the world finding out what a fraud and sham i feel like from time to time. after all, the ONLY reason i came to this recovery journey in the first place was i was afraid of getting a DOC number. my sponsor has said it many times in the past that my desperation was just quieter and my denial so much louder, back in those days, based on the evidence he sees today, that does not stop me from wondering. when that doubt starts to plague me, and it does from time to time, the rest of the chain then becomes,: “well, if that is the case, than maybe i am not really an addict. if i am not an addict, than a micro-brew or three with some friends seems like a good test of that theory. if i do not end up with a new felony, as a result of that little experiment, than most likely, i am not an addict, and i can probably try something a little more to my liking.”
and then i came to the end, because as that train of thought clearly demonstrates to me anyhow, is that one is way too many.
FEAR, in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing. it was FEAR of the judicial system that got me clean and kept me clean in my early recovery. FEAR of relapse, kept me clean for many years after the legal system went away, and i started living life as a productive member of society.
my fear of being found deficient or wanting, nearly bankrupted me, as it kept mew from seeking a job for nearly a year long after it was clear, that i was not an entrepreneur. i am still paying the cost of that fear today.
so am i afraid of the NSA tracking my every move, or total annihilation as the crisis in Ukraine escalates, or maybe the missing Malaysian airliner being in North Korea, being fitted with an atomic device? not really, although any of those events may be a possibility. living my life, afraid of what may be, is not what i am about today. pretending that any of those unlikely events is not weighing on my mind from time to time, is also what i am not about today. finding out what i am afraid of, naming those fears and seeing whether or not they are rational, and acting accordingly, is what i am about today. life for me, is not about looking fearless, it is about facing what comes down the pike and being okay knowing that i need not carry a parcel of irrational fears with me through my day. it is after all a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞