Blog entry for:

to walk through my FEAR of everything, is certainly a great topic today. my FEAR of being found out to being weak and feeble, a poor money manager or someone who is starting to wonder if he really is an addict, keeps me from being honest with my friends, my peers and my family. what was going to be a wrap for today, ended up being a redo, and that is because i assumed that i still had minutes left to post and did not save my work. oh well, here i go again.
financial insecurity is my biggest FEAR and today, i finally made a move to eliminate some of the debt i accumulated during my bout with being weak and feeble enough to believe those whose only purpose in life was to separate me from my hard-earned money. that was certainly self-will running riot and i chose not to look that gift horse in the mouth even though i knew it was being delivered by “Greeks.” what i wanted and what i got were certainly two different things and now after relying on the kindness of others to trip down that primrose path, i have to repay them and that certainly sucks and causes all sorts of new FEAR to crop up. what that means for me, just for today, is that i have to do the footwork to get some of this debt reduced and stop relying on what may be coming in thirty days ago.
the other thing that is tipping my cart towards FEAR is the opportunity i have coming up, to accept a new job. it is true, i still have to interview and i want to keep my current employers out of that loop, until something is more settled. the FEAR i have, is the FEAR of being found out and that i will be seen as being disloyal or disrespectful. the fact is, i could have accepted a job last summer, doing what i want to do, at a pay cut, but would have had a signing bonus that would have taken away much of my financial FEAR away. i, however, deemed that i was worth more than they were offering and as a result, am still in the spot i am in today. if this new opportunity seems doable, i may have to put aside the story i tell myself about how much more i am worth and allow myself to feel my way to the best answer for me.
with all that behind me and down in bits and bytes, it is time to sneak out and see if i can have a clean car and stuff to carry in my lunch this week. my life of living frugally has not ended, even though in a week some of the debt hanging over me, will be gone. i am good with what i have today, and yes, maybe walking through my FEAR does demonstrate, true courage. this i know for sure, i will save my work before attempting to post it again.

∞ DT ∞