Blog entry for:

i earn the privilege of making my own decisions, daily by living a program that allows me to be more than i was yesterday.as i sit here this morning, working up to taking a shower and getting moving, i am struck by the significance of the events of the last week. more to the point, how my FREEDOM is expressed and how i see others spinning into the hellish world of active addiction, wondering if anything will stop that death spiral before the ultimate bottom is reached. i am not talking about the friend who is using, there are more than a few people in my life that are doing this dance, and some have what one might call ‘significant’ clean time.
i am concerned, but my voice is only one of many in the howling wind of self-will and dependency, so although i have HOPE that they may hear me, i live in the real world and understand that the odds are slim. after all, it is true, that when i was doing that dance, while using, and while abstinent, i too was deaf the the voice of reason, rationalizing and justifying away their concerns , so i could keep doing what i was doing.
there i go again, using the example of others to get into what i heard this morning. for me, the whole exercise of compare and contrast has always been a good way to get down to what is really happening inside, my problem is that i seem to lose my focus and never get back to the object that is the true focus of my scrutiny, myself, my behaviors and my life as a recovering person.
what did i hear this morning, when i thought about self-support. actually not a whole lot, in fact my quiet time this morning was truly a quiet time, inside and out, and the change was wonderful. so moving forward, what i feel is that i have things i need to do this morning, to support myself on the many planes that comprise my life. emotionally, i need to let go of those who are currently beyond my reach, by accepting that they are choosing what they believe is the correct course of action for themselves. that means i construct a hybrid world of HOPE and reality, living there in they moment. spiritually, i need to do what is on my plate. take responsibility for earning my daily bread in a physical as well as spiritual sense. if i want to be more tomorrow, then i have to live the program the best i can today. finally, physically, accept that my body is healing from the abuse i have put it through lately, and when the time is right i will be able to return to the physical work-outs that i have become quite fond of lately.
none of these implies any behavior like a leech, and the whole leech metaphor is one that rings true for me. even after some time clean, adding the comparison to the leech as part of my filter for looking at my life today, is one that helps. i can quickly look at my behaviors, thoughts and reactions, to see whether or not i am living in self-sufficiency or self-support. i can see whether i am living FREE from active addiction, or fooling myself fog of rationalization that unchecked denial creates. as i complete this exercise this morning, i see that i am being more that i was yesterday, and i am living in a manner that is self-supporting and i NEED to love and be loved by others. that love is what gives me the fuel to stay clean another day, all i have to do is recognize it and see that the symbiotic relationship is a better deal than the parasitic one, at least for me. so in grateful symbiosis i think i will head out and shower off the accumulation of the past 24 hours of living life in thew real world.

∞ DT ∞