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now what kind of odd notion is this?
before i get rolling, i really comment on a bit of ignorance on my part yesterday, a peer was attempting to show me a different point of view and i took it as being “argumentative” and felt as if what they were trying to say, was that i DO NOT get it, and consequently shut-down any logical or rational thought, and then pouted because i could not get the last word. yes i fell into one of my classic shortcomings and was unable to recover until far too late. the point i was attempting to make yesterday is that i would prefer to see myself as an addict than “diseased.” which is a point of view that is not that divergent from the party line. when i sponsor men and talk to others, i may never ever use the term “disease of addiction,” as my job is to guide them into a belief structure that works fro them, and not to impose mine on any else. what i FELT yesterday, was that someone was trying to tell my that what i have come to believe for myself,, was in error, and here are the hundred reasons why. i am fairly certain that was not their intention and lat night as i was reviewing my day, i heard the echoes of an intellectual bully, whose friendship i had to walk away from, coming back to haunt me, and i saw that my reaction to that old garbage was to dismiss, defend and generally be a two year old about something that although similar was truthfully nowhere close. old garbage, even when identified, categorized and dealt with, can still come back to affect me today. its effects are still coloring who i think i am, and the the feelings of being “less than.” shut off the rational, detached side of me. so it goes, after that brief dip in yesterday, what is on my plate for today? self-support!
once again a very tricky subject and a slippery slope for some. i have a friend and former peer, who is to get quite twisted up about this very concept as he could more than one instance in the literature that seemed to contradict this notion. the literature tells us, that we need to come to depend upon each other to foster our recovery. we to to come to depend on a POWER greater than our addiction, and yet here we are told to be self-supporting through our own efforts. these seemingly contradictory statements provided for him, on more than occasion, the fodder to dismiss everything and return to the life with which he is so familiar. today, well, today he is once a guest of the Boulder County Sheriff's and calling me collect to “lend him” what he needs to get out or barring that make his life more comfortable. he is dependent upon me for his support in this moment and yet when and if he returns to real life, that dependence will once again happen only when his a$$ is in a sling. i use that to illustrate the principle of self-support as i see it. when it comes to spiritual matters, i am a noob. i NEED my peers who may or may not be my predecessors, to show me the way through many of the events and turmoils that come from living in the modern world. i am dependent upon them, and would never try and exercise self-support in this area of my life. when it comes to earning a living and paying my own way, making my own decision on how i will spend my money, for better or worse, this is where the self-support comes in. i can lean on my friend and peers from time to time, when i need emotional support, as well as be one of those providing that sort of support, in the give and take atmosphere that is in my community of recovery, and in that respect perhaps self-support is not warranted. i can tell you this, when i was in active addiction, i was certain that i deserved and was entitled to the emotional support of others, without ever expecting to provide any in return, it was take, take AND take, and when busted, grudgingly give the bare minimum. emotional and finacially i was dependent on the kindness of others, and when that kindness was extended, then i knew i had a “live one,” that i could milk for all they had, and i did.
today i ask for help and when it is given express my gratitude. i listen for others asking for my help and give it without strings and conditions. most importantly i DO NOT offer help, when it is not requested, as i have found in my short experience in recovery, that sometimes my peers or those in my life, just want to talk and are not necessarily looking for advice, solutions or education. how do i know that? because sometimes all i want to do is b!tch, moan, whine and complain, and am not seeking a way out. sometimes i want to miserable in the moment and am okay waiting for my misery to pass. that too, is part of life in the real world and in my world this morning, i have a whole day of choices ahead of me, because i am self-supporting through my own efforts and if taking a nap, or answering a collect call happens to roll into my window of choices, so be it.

∞ DT ∞