Blog entry for:

was not something i was up to doing, way back when, say yesterday! okay, i jest, most of the times these days i do accept responsibility for my recovery and for supporting myself. i even own my mistakes, admit when i am wrong and travel a path where doing the next right thing, is what i am looking for. thee fact of the matter is that my recovery journey has transformed me from who i once was, a whining, sniveling blame-shifting creep, who never ever ws wrong or owned anything, into the person you get to read about on the inter-webs on nearly a daily basis.
this is where i would shift my laser like attention to a behavior demonstrated by one of my peers in recovery, to provide the seed of what i need to write about myself. unfortunately, nothing is coming to mind. there is an incident yesterday that is hardly worth mentioning, so i will not. this morning i am on the first full day of vacation sitting in our little studio entrapment in Santa Fe. i am not stressed out, nor am i over-tired from getting up at Oh Gawd Thirty to travel, and as i sat there really was nothing that bubbled up from the depths of my despair, as it were. as i ponder the notion of accepting responsibility for my life today and the path that allows me to go on vacation, not max out my credit cards and just be okay with whatever it is that we do, i am amazed at how calm i am, when i could certainly be all about planning every minute of this day of “leisure.” in fact i can see myself leaning towards being way over-responsible, instead of just being okay with what we stumble into and <GASP> not worrying if we happen to end up with a minute or three of downtime.
vacation stuff popped off the stack and personal responsibility as well so what comes up now, is the sense of entitlement i once felt and have heard from others in my life lately. in fact, i heard my own voice through the txts of another addict, as they complained about not being able to rely on someone else, to get them where they “needed” to be. i was kind when i suggested that perhaps they might want to ask, instead of assume and that started a sh!tstorm of the grievances that had been inflicted upon them. i remember that behavior as one i used to deflect any sort of responsibility, i call it the “but what abouts,” and it goes something like this: &but what about that $50 bucks i gave you and all the times i fed you and…”for me, tallying up all that i do for everyone in my life and walking around with a ledger of what i owe and am owed, kept me from seeing my leech-like behavior, in active addiction and when i am less than spiritually fit, today. the fact is, i very rarely am in the black on that balance sheet of personal interactions, or at least i never was, i always owed someone and trading my debt to someone else or even better minimizing that debt by focusing on how i was treated, worked to keep sick for a long, long, long time. sure it would be wonderful to say that behavior has long been removed from my repertoire, sadly that is not the case. i still build cases against my peers based on what i have done for them and how much or how little i have gotten in return. those cases start with my unmet expectation, generally a quid pro quo kind of situation and build into a resentment. the next thing i know i am taking what i think is mine, once again, creating the story of how righteous i am in doing so, and the beat goes on. the good news? i recognize that behavior today and choose to go a different path, most of the time. i can pay my own way, acknowledge the kindness of others and be okay not knowing when and if the other shoe will drop. time to shower off, get some breakfast and see what this Meow Wolf is all about, it is a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞