Blog entry for:

of making my own decisions, was not something i ever thought i would want to have. i certainly was one of those who loved living my life by default and taking any responsibility was never one of my goals in life. i did not see making my own decisions as a “privilege” in fact i saw it as more of a curse, in early recovery. when the Twentieth Judicial District was making decisions for me, at least i could rail about the injustice that was being perpetrated upon me, and feel justified in trying to get around their rules. ah, life was so simple back then, as i disregarded taking care of my stuff, played the recovery “game” and living in my self-obsessive bubble of denial. when i awoke, it was surprising to me, that i had to actually take care of myself and stop relying on fate and the powers that be, to chart the course of my life.
today, i am grateful that i GET TO make decisions for myself, even if they are the “wrong” ones. living life in the so-called real world has been tricky over the past year, and although everyone seems to think that in a few months things will return to what it once was, i am not in that camp. i am not optimistic about COVID going away, and i have a feeling that the past year is just a glimpse of what is to come. for any of my “yippy-skippy” readers, sorry about the gloomy outlook, but being honest is what i am all about. for me, it is easier to accept that the new “normal” will involve precautions, instead of tripping merrily down the let “everyone fend for themselves lane.”
this morning, as i get towards the end of this, i am grateful that my office closed a year ago, as it has given an extra hour, each and every work day. i have put that time to good use, as evidenced by the whole new wardrobe i have had to buy and the fact that i have a waist again, which i have not had in over a decade. my decisions to workout on a daily basis and push myself to be a more fit and less fat person, has been nothing but good for both my body and my outlook on life. for one hour a day, i get to be outside, on most days, and think about nothing but the exercise i am in which i am engaged.
i did turn my day a bit upside-down this morning, so now it is time to go back to work and deal with that “real” world. life is not too heinous today. in fact it is pretty darn good, and being able to choose to respond, rather than react to the toxicity around me, is a wonderful place to be, just for today.

∞ DT ∞