Blog entry for:

my independence, by letting go of what i once was and growing more comfortable in my own skin. if one were to quibble over semantics, and that notion did come up as i sat this morning, one might argue that independence is a synonym for self-sufficiency. i went back to the content and read it once more to see that in this context independence was more synonymous with freedom. when the steps freed me from who i thought i was and provided a path for me to find a way to live in the world that reduced the damage i do in real-time and the ways and means to clean up the damage i have fostered in the past. i may never truly be independent, as i am dependent on a program of ongoing recovery, to counter the part of me i call addiction, but if one really takes a bit deeper dive, independence is certainly a relative term. i am certainly no longer dependent on substances or behaviors to foster my physical, emotional and spiritual well-being, so in that sense i am independent.
i keep coming back to the idea that “advanced recovery,” does exist and is being actively, but very quietly, practiced by many of my peers. what i keep “feeling,” however, is does it really matter? the truth in my life is that i have no desire to use. i do not fantasize about using and i do not ruefully regret getting clean and staying clean, any more. the operative part of that last statement is of course the qualifier of “any more.” the state of being i am currently enjoying is only a little over two years old, as a result of my last FIFTH STEP. there are certainly still some very serious repercussions in my personal relationships as a result of that release from what i was not, but as those get sorted out, i achieve greater independence from my need to get approval from those with whom i share my life. as a matter of fact, what they think of who i am and what i do, is far from relevant to me when i choose what i will do next. i do not care if anyone ever knows i just did something nice, considerate or kind for someone else. i also know that when i get acknowledgement for what i did or said, it is not a “stroke” or a “pat on the back” it is just an indication that someone does see what i am and where i am going, nothing more and certainly nothing less.
i may seek to find a more advanced or complex solution for my problem of dealing with the part of me i call addiction, but i am not going to put a whole lot of effort into that. i will, instead, be grateful that i have a path that allows me to be a better person than yesterday and creates the independence that has always eluded me in the past. some may not like the fact that i have stepped out from under the shadow of their influence, and that really is too bad 😭 😭 😭. just for today, i choose a path that frees me from my past and creates an independence that i can savor in real-time and the hope of a future that is rewarding, fulfilling and fun.

∞ DT ∞