Blog entry for:

i looked to them to support me and supply the things i found lacking in myself.
okay a bit of of a rant here, it really does piss me off to watch others walk into a meeting with a very expensive coffee beverage and when the basket comes around put nothing into it. i understand times are tough, but if one can afford to go to the coffee or ice cream shop and spend 5 BUCKS or MORE, than they are more than capable of pitching in to keep the group self-supporting.
i feel much better, although i know i just screamed into the wind, and those who needed to hear that little rant, will not believe that it applies to them, after all…
moving forward, there have been times when i mistook, self-reliance for self-support. when i tried to do this program myself, without the guidance of those who had walked the path before me, i got into to real trouble. i could always justify that sort of behavior by saying i was supporting myself, and as an addict self-support is a good thing. in reality i was cutting the rope that ties me to a program of recovery. i am dependent on the POWER that fuels my recovery. i am dependent on those who i share the rooms with, but my dependence is of a spiritual nature and not a physical one and it is so easy for me to confuse the two of them. the pendulum would swing back and forth with me either demanding that everyone provide me what was lacking, self-esteem, money, status, emotional stability, the answers to me life changing decisions and my recovery, to acting as if i was some sort of island in the middle of nowhere and i needed nothing from anyone. as my clean time and recovery has progressed i am coming to see that there is no binary choice in this matter, that the truth, no matter how elusive lies somewhere in between.
there are time when i need help, physical support, mental support, emotional support and spiritual support. in those times, it is more okay for me to ask for that help and accept what is offered. that is what we do here. there are times when i really do not need anything except love from those around me, and that too is a part of life in the big world. most of the time, i am in someplace in between, and the trick is to recognize that fact, accept that fact and move on. yes, i am dependent on the POWER that fuels my recovery. yes, i have grown dependent on the fellowship to help me in my recovery. and yes i can support myself. for as long as i can remember, what i have heard in the rooms, is that the state of my recovery is dependent on the effort i put into it. only through living the steps can i build self-esteem, self-respect and yes the ability to provide for myself. i am OWED absolutely NOTHING from the fellowship save for the chance to LIVE in this new manner. when i feel self-entitled and start to look for what i can get from others, i have abandoned this program of recovery and am moving back towards active addiction.
this morning? well i dependent of my clients to provide for my means of support, BUT i do not expect them to pay me for doing nothing. i am dependent on the POWER that fuels my recovery to KEEP me clean. i am dependent on my sponsor to provide me the direction and insight i lack, and if i decide to walk into the meeting this evening smoking a $20 cigar and sipping on a $6 coffee beverage, you make damn sure i will be tossing at least a buck in the basket.

∞ DT ∞