Blog entry for:

the more responsibility i assume, the more freedom i will gain.
of course this self-support is something that i confuse with self-will nine times out of ten. well maybe not ninety percent these days but they are topics that seem to contradict each other and tromp over each other when i think about my recovery. what i need to remember that it is not self-will to earn my keep, nurture my recovery, pay my bills and generally take responsibility for caring for myself. yes i know that means i need to grow up and be real, and yes i know that i have to deal with life each and every day. self-will in my mind deals more with control and power. exercising the principle of self-support need not cross the boundary into self-will, it is i that warps, confuses and generally misinterpret concepts to strech open the less than apparent loopholes that may be present. after all, i can easily argue the point that i need to be dependent on my HIGHER POWER for certain things like the POWER to stay clean today. so to take that a bit further, i have to exercise FAITH that my HIGHER POWER will provide me the means to stay clean today. if my HIGHER POWER can provide the means for me to stay clean today, then of course my HIGHER POWER can provide me the means to eat, and enjoy life. if those means just happen to be other people who am i to dispute and deny that gift. so what i should be on the look out for is other people to take care of my responsibilities, after all they are being put in my life by my HIGHER POWER and accepting that gift is an affirmation of my FAITH! and bingo, i am back to the beginning hence self-support is contrary to the principles that i ascribe to. not a bad tautology, is it?
i never cease to amaze myself with the twisty little pieces of illogic i can derive when i apply myself. the whole argument falls apart though i f you examine one the assumption that it is my HIGHER POWER who puts those people in my life who will and can take care of me. what i discovered over the course of my active addiction is that it was my self-will that accumulated the people who enabled me to continue to use and generally be a leech on society. even my family, those with whom i shared a bloodline, were self-willed into providing what i needed when i could not provide for myself. and honestly, i am incapable of providing for all my needs and sometimes i need a bit of help. asking for help is not contrary to self-support, relying on help on an ongoing basis is contrary to that principle, at least in this little mind.
so what is my task today? take care of myself by doing what i can to support myself and meet my responsibilities, and if i need help, give a holler, after all there is more going on here than i can ever imagine!

∞ DT ∞