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am i afraid of who i will be without these attributes, or is the FEAR of something much deeper? as always, this is one of those readings that i can use to beat myself severely about my spiritual head and shoulders, until i whine and plead to stop. in fact as i started to go there this morning, i had a realization, it is my FEAR that i am getting more healthy that drives my self-abuse. IF, by some fluke of the universe, i should ever become a spiritually healthy person on any level, i feel certain that life as i know irt will be over, and it is that FEAR, living a life as i do not know it, that drives me to be so self-abusive. after all, when i was using, i may not have known every event that was going to occur in each and every day, but i had an established pattern and my life was the same from day to day, with very little variance. early recovery, was an extension of that pattern, as i learned to do this recovery gig and had to plan and plot where i was going and how i was going to get there. as i have stayed clean, and worked some steps, i can no longer see what my day will be like. i can no longer plan my feelings, striving to enhance the comfortable ones, and suppress the uncomfortable ones. worst of all, i can no longer know what man will be showing up to face whatever life has to throw at me. at least when my character defects were in full swing and i acted and reacted automagically to the feelings those defects engendered, i knew who i was and what was generally going to happen when such and such happened.
so looking at my resistance to becoming more healthy as a FEAR of the unknown shape of who i am becoming, does get down to some core conditions. exposing that fear in the light of day does allow me to move forward and best of all stop beating the FVCK out of myself. time to take the dawg for a walk and get myself activated for the day. it is after all, a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞