🎁 what lies past my fear? 🎓
Posted: Sat, Apr 14, 2018 08:56:44 AM
as i got up from my 11TH step this morning, i was struck by how much i have changed over the course of my recovery. it was not a realization of tectonic spiritual shifts that launched a tsunami of instant insight, but rather how much i have started to become similar to the men i have sponsored. one of my greatest fears is conforming to some sort of norm and losing who i am in that process, so it is certainly fitting, this morning, that my new vision for myself, has adopted parts and pieces of those who i am the most intimate with in my recovery journey.
the first sponsee i thought of, was perpetually late. in fact our little joke was when we were meeting a group of people was to jokingly say and for you it is fifteen minutes early. no i have not adapted that particular trait, i have yet to let go of the control that being punctual for stuff in my life, allows me to exert. the trait i picked up from him was needing two hours from the time i get out of bed to get out of the door and into the real world. at that time i was a jump out of bed, grab a shower and a cuppa coffee and hit the dusty trail sort of morning person. from the time i was usually gone in twenty minutes from the time my feet hit the floor and was always “sleeping” to the very last second, before rushing my way out, willy-nilly, into the real world. not that there is anything wrong with that behavior, but these days, two hours is the minimum time i need before heading out, as i have found that “easing” my way into reality is a better fit. as a result, i eat breakfast, read the daily headlines and march through this little ditty and feel attached to my life as i towel off and make my way to wherever i happen to be going. i would like to say, that i am more courteous and tolerant on my commute, and some mornings that is quite true. what i certainly am most mornings is a bit more serene, stable and incrementally less impatient. that change in my behavior has allowed me to pick up a second habit from another sponsee, that of meditation.
that former sponsee would “sit” for at least an hour twice a day. i was at a loss for how anyone could do that, as i had to “force” myself to sit quietly for five minutes at that time. it was a feeble attempt that had been going on for years, with little or no improvement. i truly sucked at meditation and was coming to the point of giving up the practice altogether when i approached STEP 11 on my last set of steps. it was not like any one thing this man said, in the brief bit of time we worked together that “taught” me how to meditate, but his influence has been vital in developing my meditation practice today. two hours to get out of the house, is starting to be not enough time, especially since when i sit, it is almost always at least twenty minutes, without any effort and often the better part of an hour. i cannot say why all of a sudden, i have the ability to sit, when for over a decade i could not, but it certainly is similar to rheostat light dimmer, bit by bit, it became easier in my last round of steps, until it became part of who i am.
was it FEAR of becoming either one of them, that fueled my resistance to the sort of change that has morphed me into who i am today? probably, as i said before i want to be freaking “DIFFERENT❗” that FEAR has created more than pone situation in my recovery path, that could have led me to another place. that FEAR has kept me from being intimate with my peers and allowing them to see me for who i am, warts and all. the FEAR of being just like everyone else, is certainly something to work on, as i progress through this set of steps, as i already have more than enough evidence, that i can be like my peers, and still have my own identity, without having to compete for spiritual high ground.
so as i head out this morning, more than a bit rushed due to sleeping in, i can be certain that i am on THE path that will provide for me, what i never could provide for myself, an identity beyond the pride, ego and braggadocio that i once felt was so need for me to survive.
the first sponsee i thought of, was perpetually late. in fact our little joke was when we were meeting a group of people was to jokingly say and for you it is fifteen minutes early. no i have not adapted that particular trait, i have yet to let go of the control that being punctual for stuff in my life, allows me to exert. the trait i picked up from him was needing two hours from the time i get out of bed to get out of the door and into the real world. at that time i was a jump out of bed, grab a shower and a cuppa coffee and hit the dusty trail sort of morning person. from the time i was usually gone in twenty minutes from the time my feet hit the floor and was always “sleeping” to the very last second, before rushing my way out, willy-nilly, into the real world. not that there is anything wrong with that behavior, but these days, two hours is the minimum time i need before heading out, as i have found that “easing” my way into reality is a better fit. as a result, i eat breakfast, read the daily headlines and march through this little ditty and feel attached to my life as i towel off and make my way to wherever i happen to be going. i would like to say, that i am more courteous and tolerant on my commute, and some mornings that is quite true. what i certainly am most mornings is a bit more serene, stable and incrementally less impatient. that change in my behavior has allowed me to pick up a second habit from another sponsee, that of meditation.
that former sponsee would “sit” for at least an hour twice a day. i was at a loss for how anyone could do that, as i had to “force” myself to sit quietly for five minutes at that time. it was a feeble attempt that had been going on for years, with little or no improvement. i truly sucked at meditation and was coming to the point of giving up the practice altogether when i approached STEP 11 on my last set of steps. it was not like any one thing this man said, in the brief bit of time we worked together that “taught” me how to meditate, but his influence has been vital in developing my meditation practice today. two hours to get out of the house, is starting to be not enough time, especially since when i sit, it is almost always at least twenty minutes, without any effort and often the better part of an hour. i cannot say why all of a sudden, i have the ability to sit, when for over a decade i could not, but it certainly is similar to rheostat light dimmer, bit by bit, it became easier in my last round of steps, until it became part of who i am.
was it FEAR of becoming either one of them, that fueled my resistance to the sort of change that has morphed me into who i am today? probably, as i said before i want to be freaking “DIFFERENT❗” that FEAR has created more than pone situation in my recovery path, that could have led me to another place. that FEAR has kept me from being intimate with my peers and allowing them to see me for who i am, warts and all. the FEAR of being just like everyone else, is certainly something to work on, as i progress through this set of steps, as i already have more than enough evidence, that i can be like my peers, and still have my own identity, without having to compete for spiritual high ground.
so as i head out this morning, more than a bit rushed due to sleeping in, i can be certain that i am on THE path that will provide for me, what i never could provide for myself, an identity beyond the pride, ego and braggadocio that i once felt was so need for me to survive.
∞ DT ∞