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i often ask myself, if i am truly driven by these three feelings. the answer i often come up with, is not really that much anymore, after all i am so much better than i once was. then, i interact with my niece for five minutes and <BOOM> all of the garbage of martyrdom, victimhood and being the “bad” comes back to the surface and i end -up tossing and turning, even after i tell myself i have let it go. in the light of the early morning dawn, i see that i may have an issue or three to resolve in how i allow her to push my buttons and take me to the edge. it is all about what i allow to happen and the power i give her to create the cognitive dissonance between who i believe i have become and how all of a sudden i have reverted to the version of the person i was, way back when. in fact i just emailed her and let her know what the boundaries and expectations were around her imminent departure. whether or not she responds is yet to be seen, it now is not my stuff and in less than thirty-six hours that chapter of my life will be complete.
moving on to a bit more spiritual plane, i actually do not enjoy having to state the obvious to anyone and to be perfectly blunt, i hesitated before i sent off my missive. what i wanted was a peaceful co-existence as i gave someone a break, and what i got was far from that. of course, it is all on me and the whips and chains of self-flagellation come out as i “punish” myself for being so fVcking gullible not to realize that any kindness would be interpreted as weakness. that leads back to the zero-sum game i once played, and if i look at the results in this instance, i lost big time. when i take a breath and see how i feel now, i can see that i have a bit of writing to do around how i acted, what i expected and why i allowed myself to get carried into the maelstrom of shortcomings that define my less than stellar behaviors.
the time however, has come to post this little ditty on the inter-webs, do my PT and work-out and enter the world cleansed from the garbage i have felt for the past ninety days. i miss my Mom. i forgive my Mom. i forgive myself for being angry and resentful towards my Mom. i am starting to forgive myself for cratering to manipulative, lying, thieving, using addict, on the hope that maybe they were better than all of that. just for today, i can give what i have and let go of what is no longer working for me, after all, as i just txtd a friend and peer, i am definitely worth it.

∞ DT ∞