¿ do i really want to be rid of my resentments, my anger, my fear ¿
Posted: Thu, Apr 14, 2011 09:19:23 AM
the short answer? OF COURSE! the real answer? well that depends.
although the reading goes on to speak of shortcomings, what i focused on, was the seed that was used to start this reading, and it took me back to meetings i had with two sponsees yesterday. one seems to be ready and is approaching STEP 6, where he will get to answer this in much more detail. the other is in the middle of his FOURTH STEP , and is finally becoming overly aware of what everyone else has known for quite some time. the irony here, is that the reading as well a my impressions of yesterday, puts me into a similar situation, do i even know what is driving my FEAR, RESENTMENTS and ANGER, these days? if, so, am i honestly ready to let all of it go?
that is the crux of the issue. my anger can always be rationalized and justified. since my anger is justified, holding on to it, so it becomes a resentment is also justified. so that leaves me drilling down to the FEAR, as it seems to be the driving force. what is it that i am afraid of, exactly? as i work the steps i have become a better person, no CHANGE has taken anything away, in fact the personality changes that the recover process has initiated, make me better able to survive in the world around me. i am capable of handling things that once were far beyond my ability. yet, i hesitate to embrace that from time to time, and allow this irrational FEAR to control the direction of my life. once again telling myself the lies i need to hear, so i can feel better about FEAR ruling who i happen to be in that moment. yes, life and the people that populate can be frustrating. events happen randomly for the most part. for me to take each of these things that are way out of my control as a personal affront, and then to hold on them, fosters the addict within, leaving me as i have always been, nasty, mean and cynical. this is not my vision of myself, nor do i believe it is the path the POWER that fuels my recovery has set me upon, it is a stalling tactic, so i can find a way around doing what i most need to do, forgiving myself and letting go of that which is beyond my control, which is just about everything. so i do believe i will stop right there and see if just for today, i can be free from anger resentment band fear, by allowing the POWER that fuels my recovery to show me the way.
although the reading goes on to speak of shortcomings, what i focused on, was the seed that was used to start this reading, and it took me back to meetings i had with two sponsees yesterday. one seems to be ready and is approaching STEP 6, where he will get to answer this in much more detail. the other is in the middle of his FOURTH STEP , and is finally becoming overly aware of what everyone else has known for quite some time. the irony here, is that the reading as well a my impressions of yesterday, puts me into a similar situation, do i even know what is driving my FEAR, RESENTMENTS and ANGER, these days? if, so, am i honestly ready to let all of it go?
that is the crux of the issue. my anger can always be rationalized and justified. since my anger is justified, holding on to it, so it becomes a resentment is also justified. so that leaves me drilling down to the FEAR, as it seems to be the driving force. what is it that i am afraid of, exactly? as i work the steps i have become a better person, no CHANGE has taken anything away, in fact the personality changes that the recover process has initiated, make me better able to survive in the world around me. i am capable of handling things that once were far beyond my ability. yet, i hesitate to embrace that from time to time, and allow this irrational FEAR to control the direction of my life. once again telling myself the lies i need to hear, so i can feel better about FEAR ruling who i happen to be in that moment. yes, life and the people that populate can be frustrating. events happen randomly for the most part. for me to take each of these things that are way out of my control as a personal affront, and then to hold on them, fosters the addict within, leaving me as i have always been, nasty, mean and cynical. this is not my vision of myself, nor do i believe it is the path the POWER that fuels my recovery has set me upon, it is a stalling tactic, so i can find a way around doing what i most need to do, forgiving myself and letting go of that which is beyond my control, which is just about everything. so i do believe i will stop right there and see if just for today, i can be free from anger resentment band fear, by allowing the POWER that fuels my recovery to show me the way.
∞ DT ∞