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anger and fear, oh my. the program of recovery that has brought me this far, sometimes makes me wonder if the addicts who wrote the literature, really believe that as a human being, one can be absolutely freed of these very human traits. i know for certain, that this human being, will probably never be and if i was to look at the non-achievement of that as something to base my actions upon, i might as well quit right now and allow myself to spin down into the oblivion of untreated addiction. my world view when i came to recovery was black and white. if faced with this conundrum, way back when, i am not sure what i would have done. after a minute of being clean and working a program of recovery, i know that those bugaboos are just that, things i need to address and deal with, as part of that recovery program. the removal of them from who i am will never take place, but i do not have to react to my FEAR with anger and i do not need to hold my anger until it becomes a resentment, as i have the ways and means to short-circuit that process.

Mindy Z
Congrats on TWELVE (12) years clean.

what also kept bubbling up the surface this morning was how am i going to keep moving forward, as a loving and caring participant in the life of my Mom, when she seems to be resigned to stay where she is? part of what i am feeling the grief i am still feeling from the death of my Dad. as that anniversary approaches, i am struck more and more by the limited conversation we had the night of his “surge” and how i can honor what he asked me to do and not be a “dick” about it. quite a pile of concerns to deal with, this morning and a nice forty-five minute workout, will certainly help me, pound them into the asphalt. i am okay this morning and need to move forward with my life, as i have this morning heavily front-loaded. it is, however, a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞