Blog entry for:

... a feeling for what lies past my fear. my Higher Power offers me a new vision for my life. that vision is the essence of my best, brightest dreams for myself, i need not fear that vision. well, as i was writing yesterday, i foreshadowed this reading, thinking about a specific fear around a specific defect of character and how i allowed it to affect my behavior.
so this morning i can dump that whole issue and move into the vision part. i have been learning to accept the vision of myself that was revealed to me as part of my transition from step six into step seven. although this has been difficult for me, as it is not quite what my vision of myself is now, nor what it was when i started the process, i am finally aligning myself to that vision, through a process that i am clueless about. i understand this goal, and i accept that it is necessary for me to continue the growth that has been generated across the course of my journey through recovery. so seeing the goal, distracts me from the process that is going on within. so i have mixed awareness, while i have begun to see the process and let go of the goal in many areas of my life, here the goal is clear and i neglect to be aware of the process. not that i need to understand the process at all, however much i desire that knowledge, all i have to be cognizant of is the changes that are occurring as a result of this process. those changes are affecting everything, and here is where the fear comes in. all of a sudden, behaviors that were acceptable to me in the past, such as keeping my mouth shut in the interest of unity (the rationalization), when it is in fear of retaliation or damage that i am really keeping quiet, are no longer acceptable. the timing of this shift is terrible, as it appears to those with whom i interact that i am being deceitful and acting without integrity. it would have been nice to have this process delayed by about two months to allow my behavior to match my words over the past few months, but as much as i hold on to idea that i somehow affect this change, the truth is that this change is a gift from my HIGHER POWER, and one that i am powerless over. yes the devil made me do it argument is one way to go, or perhaps a better way would be to actually talk to the people that have been harmed by my current set of behaviors and discover how i can clean up my part in it. i think that just for today, i will allow things and events to spin as they are, keep my mouth shut and see what changes are manifest in my life as this process continues. the spookiest part of this whole thing, is i do not know the path to the although i can see the end. so i need be aware of where i am, and allow the POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN guide my steps towards that goal. letting go is always a difficult task for me, but it a task worth accomplishing today.

∞ DT ∞