Blog entry for:

perhaps **long-goings** would be more apt, because that is often what it takes for them to fade from my life. ironically, this is a topic that has been on my mind lately. not necessarily about shortcoming taking their own sweet time in being removed, but the internal battles that i often wage between what and who i think i am and what who i am in the process of becoming. if you have been following my continuing spiritual adventures, than this is hardly news to you, if not, oh well.
it is certainly feels like an exercise in futility to be holding on to something that no longer serves it purpose. a specific case in point, the dark and cynical part of me. that was part of my defense mechanism to keep all of you at bay, through wry, biting sarcastic put-downs. i also used it to protect myself from building any HOPE, as HOPE would have killed way back when, considering how fragile and brittle i actually was. so in that sense, the dark and cynical side of me, is certainly not needed for my daily survival. HOWEVER, much of my wit, derives from that part of me, and i am AFRAID without it, i will be much more dull and boring than i already am, becoming less socially adept and without anyone that wants to spend time with me. is that a realistic FEAR? no likely, what it is, is the part of me i call addiction, resisting the return of the dark and cynical me, to its proper perspective, a tool for humor, occasionally to defuse any false HOPE and to be left on the shelf with everything else, such as my command of trivia. each are useful in their own way, from time to time, but can be blown way out of proportion when i allow them to take over my life.
part of being genuine and whole, is that i acknowledge all that i am, a dark, cynical, hopeful, happy, addict in recovery, who is grateful that he gets to take the morning off and head on out to Sterling. which it is just about time to get moving on.
after all the journey of one hundred and twenty miles, starts with that first step!

∞ DT ∞