Blog entry for:

own best, brightest dreams: my life without shortcomings! those of you who read me on any sort of regular basis are quite aware of the shortcoming is have come to own, as that litany is tattooed prominently across the corpus of this particular online piece of mind-dumpery. in fact it should come as no surprise to anyone that setting my self-worth on what i think others think of me, is at the center of the shortcomings that plague me still to this day. before i go to far down that track:

Mindy Z,
congrats on NINE(9) years clean.
Thank you, for sticking around.

one of the biggest regrets i have today, is my inability to let go of who i am and allow myself to become. part of that grasping to my identity is played out in the current version of my THIRD STEP. i have the DESIRE to move on, but to do so, i will have to let go of my DESIRE to know and become a whole lot more a mystic, rather than a pragmatist. so i find myself getting caught up in what others are done, especially when they share openly about their fantasies, share for the laughs and hide behind a wall of clichées, slogans and bumper stickers. by focusing on them, i GET to leave my DESIRE by the wayside for a bit of time and revert to my story about how much more i am that they will over hope to be.
i heard from one of my peers that the part of him he calls addiction, is shouting out that he is a fraud, after all “real” addicts do not stay clean for decades on end. i understand that on a very basic level, as the addict within keeps whispering to me that after over twenty years clean, in remission from active addiction, as it were, i must be “cured.” just as that same addict whispers that i am a spiritual fraud. the awakening i had as a result of my last step cycle is just a figment of my imagination and i am still afraid to step out of the box of how i think my peers see the face of GOD. the evidence that part of me uses is my reluctance to live in secure in the FAITH that i will get everything i need, regardless of whether or not i can describe the POWER that fuels my recovery. so a cured fraud is the story i am creating today and one that seems to fit the place i am in.
if i want more from my life, i will need to let go of what is no longer working for me and grab on to what just might work for me. i did not arrive where i am today, without letting go of what i thought i was, in that slice of time. why would i believe that holding onto that image would serve me well these days. believing that something will come along and sprinkle magic pixie dust over the messes that i have currently created in my life, is something i can leave for another day. today i want to be better. today i want to progress towards the man i have always wanted to be, even when i did not know that vision existed or was even possible.

∞ DT ∞