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as the sun starts to come over the horizon and i sit here, preparing to start my day, i begin to understand what this new vision stuff is all about. the TWELFTH STEP, is always one of introspection for me, at least in the beginning and that is where i still am.
looking at how i see myself and my journey, i can certainly see that it has changed over the course of my recovery, and as the weight of clean time bears down upon my shoulders from time to time, it is becomes more difficult to remember how it felt, to just “get out of jail, FREE.” so i just introduced two notions there, what it felt like then, and what it feels like now. last night, as i sat in the meeting and especially afterwards when i was chatting about the plans for an upcoming event, clean-time felt like a burden that i was bearing, rather than a boon that provides me more than i could have ever wished for, way back when.somewhere down the line, what i have, i began to feel i am entitled to have, materially, spiritually and emotionally, after all, what exactly is freedom from active addiction if it is not all the stuff i now have accumulated? where is my reward and acknowledgement of how long i have been clean and all that i have done? where are the parades, the speeches, the certificates of lifetime achievement awards and all the hoopla? yes all that and much much more, blocking me from the path to feel the voice of the POWER that fuels my recovery, which certainly puts me into a weird state, not quite wanting to be in active recovery and certainly not wanting to be in active addiction.
at this point, i would consider maybe taking a vacation from the whole recovery rigamarole. pull back on meetings, stop reaching out and let go of a few recalcitrant sponsees. i tell myself that the life i now have is the result of all the work i have done, and while that is certainly true, what i am neglecting is that it is because of my desire to be something more, that i have chosen to stay clean, day after day. i get why recovering people that are in my class feel the need to just walk away for a bit, as it is coming up daily for me. there just does not seem to be anything new, and this just may be as good it gets.
the reading however, brings me back to a line in STEP ELEVEN: “as we become more GOD-centered we begin to see that our own true will for ourselves is but a glimpse of GOD' will for us.” my own true will for myself is the path through my character defects and shortcomings. it is the template for the life i only can glimpse through the smoke of thinking i have learned all that i need to know.
when i first got clean that vision was freedom from the legal system. when i finally surrendered that vision was a member of the “No Matter What” club. as i stayed clean and implemented a program of active recovery that vision has been altered top being more than just an abstinent addict. becoming more, morphing into the man i have never dreamed was possible and looking at the future with HOPE rather than FEAR is part of that new vision for myself. the smoke and mirrors that obscure my vision is the result of being an addict, and as as addict i am much more comfortable living in a hidey-hole somewhere, pretending that the world and my world is what it is not.
as i approach the bottom of this page, i am starting to see that clean-time is not a burden to carry, i can behave any way i want to and i can let go whether or not it will make me feel less than in the eyes of my peers. i mean seriously, taking myself far too seriously will not help to continue up that path to the next new vision of myself, which, based on my experience, will be something different that this version, because that is just the way it works for me, these days anyhow. part of that current version of my new vision for myself, is work and career, so the time has come to march into the shower and head on down to work. it is a good day to carry the notion, that i can be much more than a recovering addict i can be the man i never thought was possible.

∞ DT ∞