Blog entry for:

a feeling for what lies past my fear and the motivation i need to push through it. so is this an ELEVENTH STEP or a SEVENTH STEP reading? an interesting question and one that i may or may not actually answer by the time i pack this in and head to work.
speaking of which, apparently when i went into the rabbit hole of “advanced recovery” the other night i missed the part that i was NOT exempt from traffic laws, as i thought i was entitled to pass a State Trooper on the shoulder on my way to making a right hand turn, yesterday morning. lucky for me, he was required to be elsewhere and all he had time to do, was to chew me out, run my information for want and warrants and let me know that if i am in a hurry leave home earlier. of course i was grateful for the not so subtle reminder, as many of my shortcomings are manifest when i am behind the wheel of my automobile. just for yesterday, i got a reminder that i can carry forth into today.
which brings to mind, what was on my mind, when i was not grumbling about all the slow motion drivers that were hindering my rapid progress towards work. i was considering a FEAR i have that plays out in my life, more often than i want to admit, the FEAR of becoming invisible again. before i started using, being invisible was not all that bad, it meant that i could get away with a bunch of sh!t and was mostly immune from bullies.being invisible when i was using, eliminated many of the consequences and certainly honed my skills to blend into any background. in the long run, i really did not want people in my life, and was quite content to make whatever i needed and go home alone, less complications that way, and certainly a whole lot of freedom, when one is not entangled in social affairs. getting clean, it was kind of nice to be a little fish in this little pond, for those early days, but as the fog of using wore off,. my desire to fill that spot with prestige and the awe and admiration of my friends and peers, started to become manifest within me. i sought and found the way to becoming “larger than life,” and in this tiny fellowship, it really was not hard. i came to enjoy that status and when, as we grew, new members with more of whatever started to show up, i said i was grateful, but underneath i was afraid that they would upstage me. the FEAR of becoming irrelevant, has more than once cost me the friendship of another, sometimes for the better, but most of the time for the worst. for me, the taste of envy is never sweet, and as i was driving to work yesterday, i was considering why i dislike a member so much. it finally came to me, that it was envy, or at least rooted in envy, as across the course of time, i can see everything in them, that i do not like about myself. even though they purport to be a resident here, they are actually more of a transient visitor, that comes, makes a big splash and goes away again, and even that makes me envious. how can they walk away and stay clean, and i sit here,m doing the same stuff that i have been taught to do, for many days in a row?
the fact is, i could be that person, if i choose to do so. i could step away for “fellowship vacations” and be clean and yes maybe even happy and sane. and then i look to what they have and ask myself, is that part of the vision of the person i want to become? i do have an answer for that, but not one i care to share, i will just leave at this: today, just for today, i am on my way way to becoming whole, genuine and self-aware, and the only path to that vision is through the fellowship and the program of active recovery i have been taught to practice.

∞ DT ∞